THE GUY PROJECT
The Disciple, Digesting God
Dave,
First, it gives me comfort to know that I'm not alone in my heavy doubting tendencies. I also think that it is not a negative thing, if handled correctly. I have several topics I want to respond to, so I'll do it systematically.
1. The Disciple: a perpetual learner. Somewhere along the line I feel like many of us have come to believe we've arrived. From an intellectual spiritual perspective, I ask many more questions than I can provide answers. I want to learn more than I want to teach. I quite often "walk" out my faith in fear and trembling rather than confidence and boldness. This is a funny contradiction that the Bible proposes. We have already found Christ, yet always seeking him. I'm "supposed to" tell others of the Christ who has changed my life. But how has He changed my life? I mean, really, my answers, not what I've been taught at youth group. I have gone more to telling people what I believe. I'm not totally comfortable with that either, because I feel like there should be more relationship to this relationship with Christ. But my point is, I approach evangelism very humbly. I do not know all the answers and it's not my job to just go up and tell people them anyway. Seekers. Journeymen. That's my modality at present. I still believe Christ is the ultimate. But do I know him ultimately? No way.
2. Digesting God. This thought was sparked by an essay written by Mandy Drury. To make a sacramental analogy, we do too much communion and not enough baptism. What I mean is, often our perceptions of knowing God and having relationship with Him revolve around Him coming into the individual. (Communion. Breaking God up into pieces, and everybody gets some.) Which is true. God is immanent, very close to each of us. Into us. We digest Him into our very being. But we only have a limited holding tank for God. If we limit Him to digestion, we will give up on him when we can no longer fit the pieces together mentally, when He disappoints our expectations. When our central interpretive structures shift. God is defocated. However, in Baptism (immursion anyway,), we are enveloped into God's transcendent unified being. We become part of him. And when we swim in that sea, there are always new depths to explore.
Honestly Dave, (I'm dropping the systematic approach now...) I feel pretty alone right now. Few people seem to understand my doubts of questions. Missing regular Christian fellowship. God seems really ambiguous. If I wanted, I could easily convince myself that it's all a projection of human hopes. A tool to keep the masses in line. But I refuse to let God die out of my heart. I'm waiting for Him. I don't really know what the next step is. But I know I'm not the Christian I want to be. And I don't think that the image I see many other "spiritual leaders" portraying is what I want to be either.
Transition is my middle name.
Until next time,Jarod Transition Osborne
Doubt and faith
Jarod,
You have created such an accurate picture of the struggle I am going through as well. Especially the absence of spiritual and intellectual Christian mentors. When I read history books, the Christian faith is depicted as much more about political gain than it is concerned with Truth. Then there are times of doubt. So often the Christian institution seems to offer but a periphery of the supernatural, not the core. I was talking with a friend last weekend, and we began to discuss the issue of doubt. As merely an observation, it seems that some Christians struggle with doubt quite heavily. They still serve God, but they question, sometimes even dangerously, claims of the faith. They know that these questions could cause them to leave the faith (and I know of a few who have), but they feel they must be honest in wrestling with the doubt. Here is the dilemma: doubt is seen as a weakness, and is contrary to faith. A person might interpret the doubt as a threat to spiritual health, when in my own life it serves to strengthen it. If one person is unable to understand how doubt strengthens the faith, then perhaps its better not to discuss it with that believer.
But maybe the doubt is a weakness. It actually affects how I share my faith with others. Instead of joyously proclaiming that Christ has changed my life, I stay very reserved. I like to open conversations about God as a series of questions, questions that I am still searching the answers to. I can remember a pastor actually scolding me for not displaying the joy of the Lord in my conversation with a non-believer. It was strange. I’d rather talk about my faith as though I was just on the verge of it all over again, even though I have experienced so much of the depth of God. Part of me doubts that God is in the business of miraculously changing people’s hearts that have been turned from Him for so long. If someone has naturally chosen a life of wickedness, I almost expect the person to continue on in that lifestyle until death. I don’t trust people who convert in their thirties and are very young Christians. I don’t trust that they will stay with the faith and grow in it. I get very nervous when I think about a young adult believer’s ability to handle the doubts that I still wrestle with as one who has been a Christian for many years. I suppose this e-mail is all over the place, and is more about developing a philosophy of evangelism.
I am finding that the isolated American male syndrome is the starting ground for disaster. There is no accountability in it, no joy of fellowship. Living the post-college, bachelor life, I have wondered what it would be like to live for sexual adventures. An empty pleasure, no doubt. What sort of reckless behavior comes from isolation and idleness? This is the life of many an American male. They have so much extra time, and so much extra cash. Economically successful, morally irresponsible.
If Christianity is true, then my life should be changed. Inwardly and outwardly. And now that I am here in this place I believe in spiritual warfare more than ever. I must be on my knees in prayer, waiting to hear the next command and pledging my loyalty to Christ.
Keepin’ it real,
Dave
I am...
Dave,
I wear mid-length white socks, pulled up to my legs. The kind that went out of style years ago. I work at a youth camp, and I recently let the kids shave my head. It was in the newspaper. Hero of the hour. I taught Tae Kwon Do to at risk kids this past week. I'm exhausted. I feel as though I had little lasting impact in their lives, but I would do it all over again. Tonight I ate my dinner sitting on the trunk of my car in the library parking lot. Very distinct from the business men and women walking out of their offices, loosening their ties, ready for a long Independence Day weekend. And my thoughts trail off to prevalent ignorance, how America blinds itself to its own injustices, and prides itself on what is mostly a patriotic illusion. Sentimental, then take a bullet. But not always.
Then I thought back to when I ran through open fields with my shirt off last week, pulling off wild berries and popping them in my mouth along the way, pissing in the woods, screaming at the top of the mountain. Then eating left-over Japanese food with two Bic-pen chopsticks. Life is good, huh bro. And the people stare, when I spit out my car window (spitting is not a sin, is it?). When I stretch my legs in public. When I sleep on the front porch nearly every night. I am strange. But I have learned not to take my emotion and use it to segregate myself from society, and be a self-proclaimed revolutionary. I'm a part of the group... but a strange part. I would have it no other way, but the moments of loneliness are more sharp, and they cut deeper. Oh... but to the people who stare and judge- I am the man who counsels your children, I am the man who preaches to your sons and daughters. I am the role model for the next generation, whether I want to be or not. And I want to be, because I want to be in the mix, making a difference, making a living by living my calling. So don't be too quick to judge. We know very little.
Loneliness. What does it mean to have a relationship with God? I feel like I'm holding out on some ancient legend. I am struggling through the loss of the presence of my spiritual and intellectual Christian mentors. Gone more to cultural Christianity around here. I don't like it. But what choice do I have? Life gets so busy Dave, and we watch the ship that is carrying our most precious cargo drift farther and farther away in the ocean. And we can't seem to bring it back. Well, I've added a new piece to my theology. It's called, "I am a piece of shit." Life has a great ability to get screwed up and off track. Especially adulthood, when we're busy. Screw that. I'm going to fight through it and keep believing in the things that are worth living for. And live for them. And trust hard that God brings redemption to broken people like me.
But I'm tired right now. Many hours of teaching Tae Kwon Do to unruly kids. And I'm really ticked at girls and sometimes God, but mostly girls. I have not figured out Love yet.
Life is change. My life is changing and I am too. I'm trying to relax and be flexible, put my faith in Jesus Christ in all things, despite my really really strong doubting nature. Shouldn't my doubts be more settled by now?
And I've found a great secret. Found it for myself, I mean. That I'm not going to find what I'm looking for. I can stop looking as if there's a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I've literally been there. No gold. So for now I'm okay with letting my heart have peace, in the midst of this journey. The land I walk is not my own homeland. It feels so foreign. So unfulfilling. The thing that is most consistent is the driving nag, the gaping abyss in my soul that never really quiets. The longing for God and the fulfillment of all things. That keeps me walking.
Until we meet again, farewell my fellow traveler.
Christ and the Wild Man
Dave,
I'm salivating right now... so excited to dialogue with you about this one. You raised some great points and questions. I bolded them above.
Please don't think that my proposed answers (to follow) are encompassing or final. They are just my thoughts from where I sit now.
I think the Wild Man Jarod is a mixture of the same blood that flows through the total Jarod. It has the disposition toward vileness and the potential for greatness. Enter: CHRIST. Christiological heirarchy is the main issue to me. If a man, the whole man (including the Wild Man) has given his allegiance to Christ, then he is in proper alignment. He has a standard. A vision. This puts the Wild Man in his proper place. It allows him to be ferocious and free at many times when society would say "sit down." It allows him to screw the system when the system is wrong. He has a deeper confidence in his placement with his King. And I believe the King allows some wildness. I'm my most wild when I'm conversing (or battling) with my King. (Some call this prayer. My prayer has a combative sense to it sometimes :) It's often a struggle of wills. And I, in courage and with honor, sacrifice my will on the altar of obedience. Slit my own throat. that's gorey. That's manly. With purpose.
That's the kind of wild man I want to be. BY others, I want to be seen as someone who has a deep understanding in and with Christ. If that's true, everything else is secondary. (((I'm thinking our round-table conversation of "Honor" has something to do with this. Living for something huge and eternal. Having confidence to kill or die for it. Being strong, starting from inside...))). But I want to be seen by God as someone who is totally on His side. Otherwise I'm just throwing a temper tantrum.
We need to discover our "Wild Outlets." and use them. -without harming others.-
We need to find our core issues and settle them with Christ.
We need to then move forward in confidence.
I am recently dealing with this kind of stuff relating to girls...
But oh, let's save that for the next dinner....
Am I good enough?
It is the question that keeps many men from rising to be what they were intended to be. The answer can be paralyzing in its scope.
The Wild Man
Jarod,
- OK so none of us wants to be castrated (whatever that means), by society, by a woman, or by the Church. There is something very attractive about maintaining the Wildman inside of the male, of keeping him around. The Wildman side is unpredictable, you never know what sort of reaction you will receive from him. There is a fresh honesty when a man acts out of his present state of emotion. The other day I was in a "flip off the world" type mood. Of course, I would never express that outwardly, but inside of my mind I was driving crazily down the bypass, cutting off slow drivers and raising heck. I wanted that side of me to come out. I've wanted the Wild Man in me to jump out and attack people when I sense they are being trite or stupid. I've imagined myself in many different situations where the more Wild Dave takes over and acts in a more "natural instinct". How do I harness that Wild Man energy and channel it for good purposes? Is this even possible? It could be that this energy only exists in the reserves of the evil Wild Man, and I either must use it the way it is or dispose of it properly. What does it mean that we are wild anyway? The man at Auto Zone represents a man who must wear a mask of pleasantness because the company told him to. In the end, he has decided to submit to the rules of the company. He does what he is told because he wants (needs?) to fit the system. Suppose he decided not to try to fit the system. Where would one draw the line? I don't think I would mind walking into an Auto Zone and having the guy greet me with a mumbled, "What the hell do you want?" But the Wildman is more than just a bad attitude. The real question is, how does a man follow the teachings of Christ, and still retain his wild side? I think the answer has to do with what you were saying about going against the system. Again, it is a search for identity. It is a desire not to bow to undeserved authority. The wildman usually considers himself to be the highest authority in his life, therefore HE is the decision-maker. He "breaks the rules" because they are not his rules in the first place. But again all of this sounds very negative...what does it look like to be fierce, yet meek? There is another deeper question that I am wrestling with, and it is this... I have seen the value in focusing on honesty of emotions. But when I express those angry feelings, it sometimes causes me to become even more angry. Is this me tapping into a deeper pool of previously untouched emotion, or is it snowballing within me as a result of relishing in my initial feeling? There is much more to discuss about the Wildman... -Dave
Fierce, or Nice?
Dave,
This is a potentially dangerous e-mail because I may start venting. Take it as such...
First, I liked your thoughts on being a loner. I get the sense that we both are. Interestingly enough, I think a foundational shift happened for me yesterday. I was reading Matthew six last week, and it said something to the effect of "God knows what you need day to day and will take care of you as long as you make the Kingdom of God your primary concern." This struck me for the first time that this means PEOPLE. It's all about people. We love God mostly by showing love to people. This is our primary concern. I think this is working its magic to make me less of a loner, as I realize my mission is about building up people. That's the stuff the "Kingdom" of God is made of. Human flesh and souls. So I think I made a shift in thinking. From now on the default will be to be with people, to do activities and outings with people, to involve people where I would normally go it alone. And then solitude is going to be used more intentionally for the times of personal renewal. (But not for a default escape mode.)
Okay, now for the venting... I realized yesterday that there is a very non-conformist streak in me. I was reading a book about classroom education theories and teaching. And it hit me. Something in me really loathes the system. I'm not totally sure what that means. But here are some feelings to illustrate:
- I was in an AUTO ZONE buying a car part a couple months ago, and there was this 50 something guy working, dressed in his nice, collared, conformist company t-shirt. And he was having a bad day. His attitude was poor and he was under a lot of stress. You could tell he was kind of a handy-man, gruff kind of guy. Yet, when I needed something, he put on his happy company face (or pretended to) and said all the right things and got me my part, and said have a nice day, and I left feeling bad for him. I felt like Auto Zone was nutering him.
- Is it the goal of mankind to be dressed in a suit and tie, learn to play the "service industry" game, go to the latest seminars, and be perpetually NICE? I am beginning to hate NICE. Nice, nice nicenicenice. I naturally want to buck that system. (and I don't know why. Is that bad???)
- Higher education. It's great, don't get me wrong. But something in me gets a little ticked when there is an IDIOT"S GUIDE instruction book to every thing in the world. This is probably just me, a personal problem. But I get mad when I see everything in the world formulized, structured, exhausted and teased out to the finest details and then commercialized. Example: hunting. Great activity. But you can learn every detail about it from a book in your living room. And there are "experts" on it who say what is the right way and what's not. More Examples: Backpacking, teaching, communicating, praying, walking, breathing.... is there any mystery left to anything in life? Is there any need for PEOPLE to interact with one another? IS there any value in the old man, the sage, who knows something special? Or can we all just take a class or go on the internet and find every fragmented aspect of the Universe explained in a ten step process. ??
- For all the good that has come from the things I'm railing on right now, I still find an innate irksomeness in me toward this.... I'm not yet sure what it is or how to define it. This e-mail has been a personal stream of consciousness as I search for answers....
To close, John Eldrige in Wild at Heart asks the question, "Would you rather be fierce, or nice?" As for me, the answer is FIERCE. I think God would choose the same.
The Loner
FROM DAVE:
The Loner
I want to comment on how suprisingly easy it is for some males to completely withdraw from others
and be satisfied living in their own world. While so many times women fight to have affection shown
toward them, men will withdraw and deny the need for affection.
The last thing I want to do is burden others with the duty to fulfill some emotional need (one that I
probably do not have anyway), so I will retreat to prove to others and myself that I can live in isolation.
I do not want to be like the many others out there who have drained me, so I retreat.
The loner pulls away from the world not only to prove self-sufficiency, but also to observe his surroundings.
There is a sort of safety in removing oneself mentally, for if we create a new, reformed circumstance in our
minds then we can "baptize" reality with
our imagination. But those who observe are not always welcome. The group notices when one is present
but not involved. The one throws a sort of self-consciousness onto the entire group. Perhaps this is due
to the loner's self-conceit, for why else would he think he can make reality better? No, the loner must not
become so serious about the
world in his mind that he would actually rather dwell there than in reality. But the danger is when he
becomes more enthralled in the world that could be than in the world that already is, thus isolating himself
from all others.
But what is the loner to do with his unsatisfaction? How can he take what so often is perceived as
negative and make it good? Can he truly make his world better by removing and searching for a clearer
picture of what the world should be like? The loner must develop the skill of engaging with the world
in order to present his observations and hope that there is some value in his already natural tendency.
Living Well
FROM JAROD:
Instead of writing today, I want to paint. I think I'm going to paint a picture of the man I want to be.....
Someday I want to be a man who knows his own name. Not the name my parents gave me, but the name my Father in heaven gave me. My destined personhood, my true self. The only name that I really am. The name that will forever mark the pages of the Book of Life, the name that God has written on the palm of his hand. I want to understand that name, to live that name, to bear that name with the honor it deserves.
I want to be a man who believes. I don't need to be perfect, I don't want to be nice. I just want to believe. I want to see the vision of the "for-all-times-and-all-peoples..." I want to believe in where I am traveling. And believe to the point of death and a fully devoted life in whom I am traveling for, to and with. I want to believe that the war we spoke of is going to be won by the good guys. I want to believe that I am a dangerous warrior on that winning side.
I want to be a man who loves fiercely. I want people to blush with insecurity when I look into their eyes, because they know I am also looking into their souls. And then I want to show them unusual love. Love that does not play by the social rules and damnable falsities of the world. I want to love my wife like ..... (actually, I better not describe this one in public....:) I want to practice a true carefulness toward others, and not a preoccupation with my own states.
I want to be a man who dies well because he knows that he has lived well and will live well again.
