The Disciple, Digesting God Dave,

   First, it gives me comfort to know that I'm not alone in my heavy doubting tendencies. I also think that it is not a negative thing, if handled correctly. I have several topics I want to respond to, so I'll do it systematically.

1. The Disciple: a perpetual learner. Somewhere along the line I feel like many of us have come to believe we've arrived. From an intellectual spiritual perspective, I ask many more questions than I can provide answers. I want to learn more than I want to teach. I quite often "walk" out my faith in fear and trembling rather than confidence and boldness. This is a funny contradiction that the Bible proposes. We have already found Christ, yet always seeking him. I'm "supposed to" tell others of the Christ who has changed my life. But how has He changed my life? I mean, really, my answers, not what I've been taught at youth group. I have gone more to telling people what I believe. I'm not totally comfortable with that either, because I feel like there should be more relationship to this relationship with Christ. But my point is, I approach evangelism very humbly. I do not know all the answers and it's not my job to just go up and tell people them anyway. Seekers. Journeymen. That's my modality at present. I still believe Christ is the ultimate. But do I know him ultimately? No way.

2.  Digesting God. This thought was sparked by an essay written by Mandy Drury. To make a sacramental analogy, we do too much communion and not enough baptism. What I mean is, often our perceptions of knowing God and having relationship with Him revolve around Him coming into the individual. (Communion. Breaking God up into pieces, and everybody gets some.) Which is true. God is immanent, very close to each of us. Into us. We digest Him into our very being. But we only have a limited holding tank for God. If we limit Him to digestion, we will give up on him when we can no longer fit the pieces together mentally, when He disappoints our expectations. When our central interpretive structures shift. God is defocated.     However, in Baptism (immursion anyway,), we are enveloped into God's transcendent unified being. We become part of him. And when we swim in that sea, there are always new depths to explore.

Honestly Dave, (I'm dropping the systematic approach now...) I feel pretty alone right now. Few people seem to understand my doubts of questions. Missing regular Christian fellowship. God seems really ambiguous. If I wanted, I could easily convince myself that it's all a projection of human hopes. A tool to keep the masses in line. But I refuse to let God die out of my heart. I'm waiting for Him. I don't really know what the next step is. But I know I'm not the Christian I want to be. And I don't think that the image I see many other "spiritual leaders" portraying is what I want to be either.

Transition is my middle name.
Until next time,Jarod Transition Osborne
  ¶ 11:28 PM