I am...
Dave,
I wear mid-length white socks, pulled up to my legs. The kind that went out of style years ago. I work at a youth camp, and I recently let the kids shave my head. It was in the newspaper. Hero of the hour. I taught Tae Kwon Do to at risk kids this past week. I'm exhausted. I feel as though I had little lasting impact in their lives, but I would do it all over again. Tonight I ate my dinner sitting on the trunk of my car in the library parking lot. Very distinct from the business men and women walking out of their offices, loosening their ties, ready for a long Independence Day weekend. And my thoughts trail off to prevalent ignorance, how America blinds itself to its own injustices, and prides itself on what is mostly a patriotic illusion. Sentimental, then take a bullet. But not always.
Then I thought back to when I ran through open fields with my shirt off last week, pulling off wild berries and popping them in my mouth along the way, pissing in the woods, screaming at the top of the mountain. Then eating left-over Japanese food with two Bic-pen chopsticks. Life is good, huh bro. And the people stare, when I spit out my car window (spitting is not a sin, is it?). When I stretch my legs in public. When I sleep on the front porch nearly every night. I am strange. But I have learned not to take my emotion and use it to segregate myself from society, and be a self-proclaimed revolutionary. I'm a part of the group... but a strange part. I would have it no other way, but the moments of loneliness are more sharp, and they cut deeper. Oh... but to the people who stare and judge- I am the man who counsels your children, I am the man who preaches to your sons and daughters. I am the role model for the next generation, whether I want to be or not. And I want to be, because I want to be in the mix, making a difference, making a living by living my calling. So don't be too quick to judge. We know very little.
Loneliness. What does it mean to have a relationship with God? I feel like I'm holding out on some ancient legend. I am struggling through the loss of the presence of my spiritual and intellectual Christian mentors. Gone more to cultural Christianity around here. I don't like it. But what choice do I have? Life gets so busy Dave, and we watch the ship that is carrying our most precious cargo drift farther and farther away in the ocean. And we can't seem to bring it back. Well, I've added a new piece to my theology. It's called, "I am a piece of shit." Life has a great ability to get screwed up and off track. Especially adulthood, when we're busy. Screw that. I'm going to fight through it and keep believing in the things that are worth living for. And live for them. And trust hard that God brings redemption to broken people like me.
But I'm tired right now. Many hours of teaching Tae Kwon Do to unruly kids. And I'm really ticked at girls and sometimes God, but mostly girls. I have not figured out Love yet.
Life is change. My life is changing and I am too. I'm trying to relax and be flexible, put my faith in Jesus Christ in all things, despite my really really strong doubting nature. Shouldn't my doubts be more settled by now?
And I've found a great secret. Found it for myself, I mean. That I'm not going to find what I'm looking for. I can stop looking as if there's a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I've literally been there. No gold. So for now I'm okay with letting my heart have peace, in the midst of this journey. The land I walk is not my own homeland. It feels so foreign. So unfulfilling. The thing that is most consistent is the driving nag, the gaping abyss in my soul that never really quiets. The longing for God and the fulfillment of all things. That keeps me walking.
Until we meet again, farewell my fellow traveler.
