Dave,
You know why I like THE GUY PROJECT better than just blogging? It's because it's a continuous discussion between the two of us. Whoever else reads or doesn't read the GUY PROJECT postings, I know you do, and that means more than anyone else anyways. THE GUY PROJECT is a journey. It's a continual revelation and sharing between two men whose lives are in constant transition. It's a personal record of those changes, and the people we're becoming. And it's in the spirit of our deep friendship that I write these words now.
Right now I have 7 pieces of paper sitting on my desk, and they'll serve as a guide for my e-mail to you. 6 of them are post-it notes, and one is a fortune cookie's fortune. Here's what each of them says:
POST-IT NOTE # 1. POST-PASSION.
(These 7 descriptions are post-modernish prefixes with a modern office twist...)
These notes each describe me in some way. Post-passion first. I look around at some of the Christians and younger people in general around me, and see passion in them. I see a "fired-up" spirit in them. Some generate this toward the mission of loving Jesus, or impacting other's lives, or worship, or accomplishing dreams, or living life, or loving that special someone. But I haven't genuinely felt this kind of passion for a while. My passion seems bridled by the complexity of the world, my own weaknesses, past experiences, education, infinite possibilities, and unfulfilled promises (or at least misunderstood promises.) These things make me think twice about how and why I "help the poor" or how much I let myself get lost in the beauty of a woman or how I long for the great mountains of the west.
I don't write this to snub the younger or more passionate ones I know. I say it as a sort of disappointment in myself. I probably need more passion. More childlike faith. More willingness to run barefoot even if I might step on a stone. And likewise, I think a lot of extremely passionate people could stand to beef up some other virtues like faithfulness, wisdom, compassion and empathy.
Sometimes I see genuine passion in older folks. And I admire that much more than in the younger. They've survived the test of time, and have found something worth hanging onto and believing in. I want to listen to them.
But even more, I admire passion in the middle-agers... who have been dragged out of their youthful utopias and thrown into a world of responsibility... and who manange to find and cultivate passion. Passion is freedom.
So how do I learn to run fast again?
POST-IT NOTE #2. POST-POETRY.
Quite literally, I haven't written any good poetry for a few months now. It's aesthetic constipation- my diet has been too much stress, unresolved conflict, lack of direction. This will clog the art in me. Sometimes the creative juices bubble up, but I can't quite ejaculate them onto a keyboard.
Poetry is really an amazing entity. It's taking something so functional, so human, so base as a language construct, and using it to directly touch the spirit. All good poetry comes from pain, or love, or something deep within our hearts that means the most to us. Even poems that give everyday pictures into everyday lives are still making the statement that 'this is my life... this is my struggle... this is my routine... this is my world... and it means something. even the dull averageness to my situation has perhaps some cosmic interest... or perhaps it has no cosmic interest at all and I am lost and meaningless in the world.... and that is somehow tragic in itself, the fact that I am pathetic and pointless and apathetic about it."
I am post-poetry right now because I am struggling to find the clarity of mind, of time, or heart, to compose these little sonnets of heaven. Poems to me are gifts from God. Gifts I have been missing. Life to the next level I have slightly been missing too.
POST-IT NOTE # 3. POST-IT-NOTE.
Today, going to work means driving to a place of employment. Yesteryear it meant perhaps spending hours in a field making things grow, or marching off to spear the enemy in battle, or cooking somebody else's meal, or building things out of hot iron. The idea of employment and specialization are not very simplistic. Every kind of work has its benefits and negatives.
But my job is to mold people. I am, at the end of the day, a teacher. I go to work in an office sometimes, surrounded by phones and computers and rolodexes and secretaries and junk mail and to-do lists, and somehow I sludge through it all so that when I make it to the actual people, I can make a difference in their lives... so that what I say (or what God uses me to say) might steer someone in the right direction or set them free from burdens. To mold and shape people, I don't use cast-iron molds, or hammers, or sanders, or swords. I might find myself using post-it notes.
POST-IT NOTE # 4. POST-POSTING.
I briefly described why I am electing to write you this e-mail rather than some random postings. Blogs to me are like screaming at the full moon. Sometimes I scream in the night... in fact I very often yell when no one hears me. It's catharsis, and it's healthy. But I would rather scream to you, the proverbial Dave, or to You, my unequalled Creator, or to a friend, or to an enemy... I'd rather be heard and known, rather than send my best hand-weaved basket down a giant river to be discovered by a stranger miles downstream. I'd rather talk face-to-face than phone-to-phone, rather take a walk than waste our money on something that doesn't satisfy. Rather eat what the earth made rather than what a machine made (even though I so often fail at this.) I would rather tell myths and stories around a campfire (like I did last week) than type my thoughts into the abyss.
POST-IT NOTE #5. POST-EVOLUTION.
I have long been on the quest for understanding with evolution and my faith story. I have much trouble reconciling the two stories and cannot now see them as complementary. I have many questions, but am still journeying... and to be honest, I'm typing this e-mail much faster now because two minutes ago a girl that I like called and is coming over to my house in 25 minutes. So I'm hurrying through this.
Enough on evolution. I just don't like where it leads me.
POST-IT NOTE #6. POST-PURSUIT.
What happens when the "chase" stage is over in a relationship? What happens when you find the one you love, and she stops running? I am speaking mostly hypothetically, but what is next? Perhaps there's always some pursuit... of course. But also there is an adrenaline downer. The thrill of the chase produces so much excitement that the calm afterwards is an emotional decline. To be expected, but where next? This ties in with poetry, and passion. And old-age and myths and dreaming and dousing the fire. How do we keep believing and keep pursuing and keep sprinting and keep loving fiercely?
FORTUNE COOKIE: "Follow the Advice of Your Heart."
Perhaps this answers the other questions better than anything else.
If not, then maybe the real secret to success is in the numbers below that sentence. Maybe 9 - 10 - 22 - 29 - 30 - 41 is a winning lottery number this week.
