Fierce, or Nice?
Dave,
This is a potentially dangerous e-mail because I may start venting. Take it as such...
First, I liked your thoughts on being a loner. I get the sense that we both are. Interestingly enough, I think a foundational shift happened for me yesterday. I was reading Matthew six last week, and it said something to the effect of "God knows what you need day to day and will take care of you as long as you make the Kingdom of God your primary concern." This struck me for the first time that this means PEOPLE. It's all about people. We love God mostly by showing love to people. This is our primary concern. I think this is working its magic to make me less of a loner, as I realize my mission is about building up people. That's the stuff the "Kingdom" of God is made of. Human flesh and souls. So I think I made a shift in thinking. From now on the default will be to be with people, to do activities and outings with people, to involve people where I would normally go it alone. And then solitude is going to be used more intentionally for the times of personal renewal. (But not for a default escape mode.)
Okay, now for the venting... I realized yesterday that there is a very non-conformist streak in me. I was reading a book about classroom education theories and teaching. And it hit me. Something in me really loathes the system. I'm not totally sure what that means. But here are some feelings to illustrate:
- I was in an AUTO ZONE buying a car part a couple months ago, and there was this 50 something guy working, dressed in his nice, collared, conformist company t-shirt. And he was having a bad day. His attitude was poor and he was under a lot of stress. You could tell he was kind of a handy-man, gruff kind of guy. Yet, when I needed something, he put on his happy company face (or pretended to) and said all the right things and got me my part, and said have a nice day, and I left feeling bad for him. I felt like Auto Zone was nutering him.
- Is it the goal of mankind to be dressed in a suit and tie, learn to play the "service industry" game, go to the latest seminars, and be perpetually NICE? I am beginning to hate NICE. Nice, nice nicenicenice. I naturally want to buck that system. (and I don't know why. Is that bad???)
- Higher education. It's great, don't get me wrong. But something in me gets a little ticked when there is an IDIOT"S GUIDE instruction book to every thing in the world. This is probably just me, a personal problem. But I get mad when I see everything in the world formulized, structured, exhausted and teased out to the finest details and then commercialized. Example: hunting. Great activity. But you can learn every detail about it from a book in your living room. And there are "experts" on it who say what is the right way and what's not. More Examples: Backpacking, teaching, communicating, praying, walking, breathing.... is there any mystery left to anything in life? Is there any need for PEOPLE to interact with one another? IS there any value in the old man, the sage, who knows something special? Or can we all just take a class or go on the internet and find every fragmented aspect of the Universe explained in a ten step process. ??
- For all the good that has come from the things I'm railing on right now, I still find an innate irksomeness in me toward this.... I'm not yet sure what it is or how to define it. This e-mail has been a personal stream of consciousness as I search for answers....
To close, John Eldrige in Wild at Heart asks the question, "Would you rather be fierce, or nice?" As for me, the answer is FIERCE. I think God would choose the same.
