THE GUY PROJECT
The Descent into Madness
Jarod,
Insanity is believing something that is not real. I am not insane, though sometimes I feel as though I am.
Madmen usually spent a lot of time by themselves. Without the check of other people in their lives, they allow their beliefs and perspectives to grow untrimmed until it becomes a tangled mess.
What is causing this feeling of insanity? Part of it is the dream I continue to hold onto. Dreaming in the midst of the breaking winds of reality causes me to feel insane. It is a perspective of the world from a youth’s eyes. A young person sees the systems of the world and wants to affect change, but in light of shifting perspectives there is a loss of foundation. Some of these feelings are the result of tough transitions I am going through I enter the adult world. Many of my peers have landed in their first job, and they feel a sense of satisfaction. My decisions have led me to a different place, a very uncomfortable place where I continue to reside as I hope for the payoff of opportunity.
Part of the reason is an increased knowledge of the world. I am young. I have much to learn. But I think I can safely say that God has granted me an amount of wisdom. As Solomon said, with knowledge comes grief. The more knowledge, the more grief. And when this grief becomes too heavy, it must be counteracted or diffused or something. It causes me to laugh. Sometimes I find myself laughing at things ridiculous without control. I relish my times of laughter, trying to squeeze the most I can out of them. It helps balance the brooding. Both brooding and laughter are better than emotionlessness. The deeper the emotion, the more powerful the release is.
I have a very real sense of the “otherness” of my existence. This is part of the deal with Christianity. We were not made for this world, but for another. This world got screwed up, in it we will never be fully satisfied. I try to reconcile this feeling by clinging to things of the past, remembering the sadness of times now gone. More than that, I sometimes try to live in the emotions of times past. Its as if, in my discontent with my current state, I act as if the present reality is not so real as the “other” reality that I sense so strongly. This causes me to feel insane.
Pretending to accept the present while secretly living in the “otherness” (is it the future or the past?). That is what madmen do. They keep their secrets to themselves. They hide the depth of their knowledge or pain or whatever behind a mask of shallow silence. I can talk about the weather. I can talk about yesterday. But what I really care about is a mystery to you. Hence the insane laughter. Everyone has been blessed with a slight measure of insanity, some are more blessed than others. None of us sees the full picture.
The nerve of faith seems precariously close to the nerve of insanity.
Having faith sometimes causes me to feel insane. However, I can remember the encounter I had with Christ. I pray that God will never let me forget it. I believe the Gospel story. I am about to go overseas in obedience to a God I firmly believe in. This faith was the foundational reason for my education. There is no turning back. My descent takes me higher.
-Dave
Two Emerging Perspectives
Dave,
I must admit, after feeling the freedom of not "having" to be disciplined, or "do devotions", I am being drawn back to such things by purpose, not law. I loved your last posting, by the way!
My default mode of perceiving life has been through the lenses of a rationalist. My head is the CEO of my life, with veto power over other systems. But I'm starting to think a little differently now about how I process life- mainly in two ways.
1. Wholistic Reality. I'm starting to see the world as a giagantic system, spinning and swirling, living, reproducing, moving on its own, in some kind of chaotic pattern, held together and guided by the Word who created it. This is very different than starting with what I know, and developing other categories (or academic disciplines) through which I filter knowledge. Our education system tries to construct a neat framework of shelves, and then spends the rest of its existence putting everything on its proper shelf. We ingest information, run it through our intellectual digestive system, and use it appropriately. Anything that doesn't work with the system is quietly defocated in a closed room. Instead, wouldn't it be great to view the world as a huge reality, an open system where God and humans and animals and plants and inanimate objects all exist, and go about their business. Our focus shifts toward our being part of the universe rather than having to process and possess the universe.
This way of thinking would relieve the burdens of many. First, the rationalist wouldn't need to be so frustrated. Because nobody knows everything, so you might as well take that pressure off your scholarly back now. Be content to be a part... seeking and learning... inhaling and exhaling (so the plants can inhale your exhale)... working and making a living... living life to the fullest... enjoying relationships with other people (and God)... giving and taking in proper balance... setting other values higher than education, like honor, humility, compassion.
2. The other way I've been thinking beyond my rationalism (haha) is best described as the functionalist perspective. Instead of trying to make ultimate sense out of a situation, I've just looked at its function, and left the ultimate understanding to God. For example, I've been feeling lonely,doubting my life, and questioning if God has someone for me. So instead of assessing why I feel this way and trying to fix it, I forced myself to get involved with a group of people my age. Just hang out. Do. There is amazing redemption in doing. I know that I want the fruits of the spirit in my life, so why not do the things that help them grow? Another example is walking in the woods. I have a real internal drive to be alone in nature. And I've been asking myself why I have it. What am I really searching for in life that I think I'll find in the woods? What is my deeper longing? What is the true nature of nature, and why do I feel fulfilled there? How much time can I afford to be there, versus in society? But then today, I just took a walk in the woods and enjoyed it. Not trying to think why or when. It served an important function, quite apart from my thinking about why it did. I think the ultimate understanding can be left to God. I'll investigate, but not at the expense of letting real life ebb away in the process.
I'm thankful to be caught up in this reality, living in it, and thankful that we were born in the same generation, Dave.
-Jarod
The Man, the Beast, and the Spirit
“No,” said the Man.
“Yes,” said the Beast.
“Wait,” said the Spirit.
“Impossible,” said the Man.
“Ridiculous,” said the Beast.
“Miraculous,” said the Spirit
“Live for duty!” said the Man
“Obey your feelings!” said the Beast
“Let love guide your actions…” said the Spirit
So I set out to live a life of love. But the three at work within me, the Man, the Beast, and the Spirit, all continue to fight for control over my life. The Man wishes to be a decent person, liked by people and able to make it through life. He is frail and the weakest of the three. He is indifferent. He has trouble seeing beyond the present. He is stable and wants to maintain harmony. As the Man takes control of my life I understand what it is to value family, to value hard work. The Man does have a conscious, but it is marred and full of inconsistency.
The Beast in me has power over the man, and may overtake him with ease. With emotions fully-charged, the Beast demands to be fed. Snarling and vicious, it has no mind for decency, and would kill that which threatens or irritates it. One thing is certain, it is out to satisfy its urges and will stop at nothing to see them through.
The Spirit is the very power of God at work within me. As I pray, the Spirit whispers His will into my life, but the softness of His voice yet overpowers the sound of any other competing for authority. The most powerful of the three, the Spirit teaches me how to love. He teaches me how to work the Man and control the Beast. The Spirit gives the Man vision and clarity of purpose. He harnesses the Beast and shows the Man how to use it for protection or, if needed, attack. In addition to teaching, the Spirit also restores that which the Beast maimed or the Man neglected. He shows me how to love Himself and others, selflessly and sincerely. As Fenelon said, love carried through time becomes devotion.
You know, Jarod, its funny. I struggle with devotion and dedication. I am becoming more and more convinced of the importance of setting aside time every day to call upon the Spirit. This may not be necessary for every believer, but I am finding that my spontaneity is no longer sufficient. I don’t think God appreciates it much either.
Making a new plan,
Dave
