Sunday, December 26, 2004
The Descent into Madness
Jarod,
Insanity is believing something that is not real. I am not insane, though sometimes I feel as though I am.
Madmen usually spent a lot of time by themselves. Without the check of other people in their lives, they allow their beliefs and perspectives to grow untrimmed until it becomes a tangled mess.
What is causing this feeling of insanity? Part of it is the dream I continue to hold onto. Dreaming in the midst of the breaking winds of reality causes me to feel insane. It is a perspective of the world from a youth’s eyes. A young person sees the systems of the world and wants to affect change, but in light of shifting perspectives there is a loss of foundation. Some of these feelings are the result of tough transitions I am going through I enter the adult world. Many of my peers have landed in their first job, and they feel a sense of satisfaction. My decisions have led me to a different place, a very uncomfortable place where I continue to reside as I hope for the payoff of opportunity.
Part of the reason is an increased knowledge of the world. I am young. I have much to learn. But I think I can safely say that God has granted me an amount of wisdom. As Solomon said, with knowledge comes grief. The more knowledge, the more grief. And when this grief becomes too heavy, it must be counteracted or diffused or something. It causes me to laugh. Sometimes I find myself laughing at things ridiculous without control. I relish my times of laughter, trying to squeeze the most I can out of them. It helps balance the brooding. Both brooding and laughter are better than emotionlessness. The deeper the emotion, the more powerful the release is.
I have a very real sense of the “otherness” of my existence. This is part of the deal with Christianity. We were not made for this world, but for another. This world got screwed up, in it we will never be fully satisfied. I try to reconcile this feeling by clinging to things of the past, remembering the sadness of times now gone. More than that, I sometimes try to live in the emotions of times past. Its as if, in my discontent with my current state, I act as if the present reality is not so real as the “other” reality that I sense so strongly. This causes me to feel insane.
Pretending to accept the present while secretly living in the “otherness” (is it the future or the past?). That is what madmen do. They keep their secrets to themselves. They hide the depth of their knowledge or pain or whatever behind a mask of shallow silence. I can talk about the weather. I can talk about yesterday. But what I really care about is a mystery to you. Hence the insane laughter. Everyone has been blessed with a slight measure of insanity, some are more blessed than others. None of us sees the full picture.
The nerve of faith seems precariously close to the nerve of insanity.
Having faith sometimes causes me to feel insane. However, I can remember the encounter I had with Christ. I pray that God will never let me forget it. I believe the Gospel story. I am about to go overseas in obedience to a God I firmly believe in. This faith was the foundational reason for my education. There is no turning back. My descent takes me higher.
-Dave
Insanity is believing something that is not real. I am not insane, though sometimes I feel as though I am.
Madmen usually spent a lot of time by themselves. Without the check of other people in their lives, they allow their beliefs and perspectives to grow untrimmed until it becomes a tangled mess.
What is causing this feeling of insanity? Part of it is the dream I continue to hold onto. Dreaming in the midst of the breaking winds of reality causes me to feel insane. It is a perspective of the world from a youth’s eyes. A young person sees the systems of the world and wants to affect change, but in light of shifting perspectives there is a loss of foundation. Some of these feelings are the result of tough transitions I am going through I enter the adult world. Many of my peers have landed in their first job, and they feel a sense of satisfaction. My decisions have led me to a different place, a very uncomfortable place where I continue to reside as I hope for the payoff of opportunity.
Part of the reason is an increased knowledge of the world. I am young. I have much to learn. But I think I can safely say that God has granted me an amount of wisdom. As Solomon said, with knowledge comes grief. The more knowledge, the more grief. And when this grief becomes too heavy, it must be counteracted or diffused or something. It causes me to laugh. Sometimes I find myself laughing at things ridiculous without control. I relish my times of laughter, trying to squeeze the most I can out of them. It helps balance the brooding. Both brooding and laughter are better than emotionlessness. The deeper the emotion, the more powerful the release is.
I have a very real sense of the “otherness” of my existence. This is part of the deal with Christianity. We were not made for this world, but for another. This world got screwed up, in it we will never be fully satisfied. I try to reconcile this feeling by clinging to things of the past, remembering the sadness of times now gone. More than that, I sometimes try to live in the emotions of times past. Its as if, in my discontent with my current state, I act as if the present reality is not so real as the “other” reality that I sense so strongly. This causes me to feel insane.
Pretending to accept the present while secretly living in the “otherness” (is it the future or the past?). That is what madmen do. They keep their secrets to themselves. They hide the depth of their knowledge or pain or whatever behind a mask of shallow silence. I can talk about the weather. I can talk about yesterday. But what I really care about is a mystery to you. Hence the insane laughter. Everyone has been blessed with a slight measure of insanity, some are more blessed than others. None of us sees the full picture.
The nerve of faith seems precariously close to the nerve of insanity.
Having faith sometimes causes me to feel insane. However, I can remember the encounter I had with Christ. I pray that God will never let me forget it. I believe the Gospel story. I am about to go overseas in obedience to a God I firmly believe in. This faith was the foundational reason for my education. There is no turning back. My descent takes me higher.
-Dave
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Dave-
It doesn't surprise me a bit that you see in yourself the seeds of madness... I admire that quality. It is strangely attractive in a person.
Your post reminded me of a quote by poet/novelist Jack Kerouac:
"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars."
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It doesn't surprise me a bit that you see in yourself the seeds of madness... I admire that quality. It is strangely attractive in a person.
Your post reminded me of a quote by poet/novelist Jack Kerouac:
"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars."
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