Jarod,
These issues are close to my heart. And I understand what you are saying about balance, lifestyle, and contemplation. Perhaps I consider myself as a person not naturally drawn to discipline. In fact, I almost always favor passion over discipline.
Also, I don't think that my struggle deals nearly so much with the abstract truths of Christianity as it does with being accepted into the larger church body. My experience in Azerbaijan, and my experience here in Columbus has been similar. The people who are taking action, the people who are visibly doing helpful things in needy areas, are the people who 'know what they' know. In other words, their certainty allows them to take the next step into courses of action.
I believe in the unity of believers. However, I am paranoid of being constantly perceived as only partial believer. I am not fully welcomed into the fellowship, and conversely, I don't actually want to be fully part of the fellowship, because I still have issues with being associated entirely with this group of people.
When it comes down to it, my communal reality is much more difficult for me to deal with than the abstract, but similarly difficult philosophical and scientific objections to faith. It is also more heartbreaking.
And my conversations with God are awkward, often very distant pledges of allegiance. Which God am I talking to again? Were You upset with me for being interested in the Tao, or were You encouraging that? I don't know, I'm not sure that I ever did know. Is this the God who condemns people on a higher or lower standard? I can choose this based on the community I choose to join. In fact, I'm so moldable, I sometimes can't resist the influence that a certain group may have on me.
I also can't help but believe that the path I'm walking is a good one for me in this place in my life. I feel the need to defend my steps, even though now...they seem foolish to believers and non-believers alike. I'm a fool to everyone, save a few to whom I've been able to defend myself. However, in my own way, I actually have been trying very hard to obey Christ. By looking for opportunities to reach out to the poor or lesser priveliged in appropriate ways, this was a moral principle I was wary to abandon. By living among them, I was hoping to somehow take part in their communal redemption. A redemption that can only come through the Holy Spirit.
And I, in a mixture of self-consciousness and self-righteousness, have secretly viewed my own version of how to live this life as the finest way, not wanting to condemn others, but doing so anyway. The strange mixture of self-love and self-abandon can conjure up an odd concoction indeed. But it is there that I will end this ramble.
Cheers,
Dave
