The Spirit of Jesus
Dave,
I never claim to have it all together. I never claim to hit the bullseye. That's the beauty of this journey, this project... life in general, actually. I do pledge to share my feelings and current status with you, as a good friend, in hopes that as we trudge or skip along the path together, we'll end up going the right direction, by God's grace.
I was on my way back from Colorado two days ago, and I had a personal enlightenment. I realized that I've been fighting the system so hard, I've been swimming upstream culturally so much... I've been trying so hard to forge my life out to be the "model disciple" that I thought Christ wanted me to be... that I've been screwing myself. I'm such an extremist, Dave. I took what the Bible said pretty much to heart. "Sell your possessions and give to the poor... take up your cross... be poor (in spirit)... "
I realized a few things though. For one, I don't want to be just like Jesus. Jesus was homeless. Jesus was poor and dependent on others for much of his livelihood. Jesus was SINGLE. Jesus didn't seem to emphasize his blood-family that much (I mean really, if you read the gospels, or Pauline writings, that's not really an emphasis... it's almost poised in a negative light.)
Jesus wandered all over the earth his whole life. Jesus made a lot of enemies. Jesus, at the end of his life, was alone, abandoned by his closest friends. Jesus was murdered at age 33.
These are not characteristics I strive for. Honestly, I'd rather have a family. I'd rather have a house in which to keep my family. I'd rather have a few faithful friends. I'd rather have an income by which to support my family. I'd rather live to be old, and die in peace. Those are more my goals. Yes, I would sacrifice all those things for God if I needed to, but that's not my goal in life, nor my desires. I don't think it's who God made me to be either.
I think that instead of living like Jesus did literally, I need to embody the same spirit that he had. And that can be done in Ohio, in 2004, in the context of a family.
Wow, that's a burden released. In some senses, I'm "casting my lot in with humanity." I feel like I'm coming off of a cloud I've been riding for my whole life. I'm being real. Normal. Relaxing. I'm not so afraid of screwing up, sinning, drinking, having sex, swearing, ... as though these things are going to send me directly to hell without a "Get out of hell free" card. (Don't read too much into that last statement... I just mean that I've no longer made these things a proverbial god-icon by being afraid of them.)
It's humorous. All this time I tried so hard to follow Christ--- be Christ, in some senses. But sometimes I think some of the "unchurched" people, the ones who believe in God but aren't all that educated, have done a better job than me. They are not so obsessed with the rules, with doing everything right. With being the Savior, Jesus Christ.
I'm okay with being myself, I guess.
-Jarod Scott Osborne
Emotional God
Jarod,
I agree with you, balance is the key to maintaining a healthy existence. Achieving balance is a delicate task, especially since you and I both like extremes from time to time!
Your e-mail brought to mind how the Church often tries to identify Herself as a balancing agent of morals within culture, taking extreme positions away from pleasures that could lead to sin. I believe that personally modeling a life of balance is more important than trying to tip the social moral scales, but I see the merit of the latter.
Lately I've been thinking about God's emotions, "How does God feel about me?" There are theological answers to that question - God so loved the world...(God is) slow to anger, abounding in love - I know that God loves me, but I am wondering if there are more layers.
I know that God can love me and be angry with me. God loves the masses of people that reject Him and His love, but I also believe He is angry with them and punishes them.
Along the same lines, I think God can love me without trusting me. If I break God's trust, I have to earn it back again - by proving it good. Of course one can never truly "earn" God's trust, but I believe He means for us to try. Men are given talents and are told to be faithful with those gifts. I get the feeling that there can be sore spots between God and I when thinking about certain, recurring disobedience in a particular area.
God can love me and not feel like communicating with me. Sometimes in order to strengthen a friendship, there needs to be a level of distance. This helps keep the relationship healthy and growing. I have an easy time believing that God can love me and keep me at a distance, because I do that so often to others. He may choose to communicate strongly with other people in my life, but leave me out for a while. Of course I know that in the end we will be reconciled.
God can love me and also like me. I like to think that I can make God laugh. I like to think that I can make God proud. To please the King, and also be noticed by Him, is a thrilling thought. God is a being who experiences emotions, when I remember that I sometimes look up and wonder what He is feeling right now.
See you in a few days,
Dave
