THE GUY PROJECT

2008-03-28T07:11:00.003-06:00

Jarod,

It's been over a year since posting on this blog. So much has changed, I think, including settling down with some thoughts and emotions and finding solidity in both of our lives. We both have God to thank for that.

As I was reading through some of our old posts, I got a little nauseous at the amount of self-indulgence that happens when wallowing in one's own thoughts...

Last night I was chatting with an urban revolutionary who lives in Buffalo, NY. His dreadlocked hair helps him stand out and confirms others' assumptions of his hippie ideals. But he is consumed with a passion for the advancement of the Kingdom of God. He and his wife relocated with dreams of starting a neighborhood garden that will create jobs for the neighborhood, as well as advance ideas of freedom and rejection of the harsh capitalist systems that so often contribute to the low self-esteem of the under-priveliged. Their project, http://queencityfarm.org, is ripe with opportunity in the area where they are.

I have a friend who lives on the East Side of Columbus. For the past three years, he has volunteered massive amounts of time in the creation of this neighborhood garden -http://web.mac.com/beowulf444/iWeb/City%20Farm/about%20us.html - the symbolism of regeneration and reconnection to creation has been powerful.

Though not directly involved in a major gardening operation, I do have a compost pile and have plants growing in my basement (the legal kind, mind you). Carrots are planted in my front yard, and I have plans to 'hire' youth from the neighborhood to help with fixing up the old parsonage where I stay. Being here has allowed for the intentional, yet subtle creation of relationships that wouldn't normally exist, especially I did not choose to live where I do. But that is part my answer to my own life's question, and I realize others have their own calling.

The struggles through theology and meaning can either lead to depression, or bring us to a place of peace. In the end, there is a deep need to trust in God, and in His version of restoration. There is little place for human ego. Our works must be a celebration of God's love for His world.

The difficultly lies not in understanding what the mission is, but in finding ways to bring it to fruition. I have found incredible peace in relishing in existence.

Brave- An American Vision Quest

2006-11-25T11:44:00.000-07:00

Dave,
I've just written a new book I want you to check out.
Click Here to View!
It's called "Brave- An American Vision Quest"

Wandering Heart

2006-11-15T15:38:00.000-07:00

Dave,
Since you did not respond to my eastern approach to wrestlings with Paul, I'm taking the discussion in a new direction.... and that is that I am a 'vagadult.'
In my wandering heart there is a vagabond who will not sit still in church and will never be an office-man. Yet in my life emerges a needed adult who must be responsible, work for a living, plan wisely, budget, stay in one place and commit to one person.
Basically, I'm asking you and anyone else to join the discussion about my wandering heart.
This topic is mysterious to me, but here are some preliminary questions:
-Why do I long to wander, adventure, explore, vagabond?
-Do a lot of people feel this way?
-Historically, have a lot of people felt this way, before they could just hop a plane to China?
-Are things like: holding a consistent job, staying in one place, not taking too many risks on your life, ... all essential ingredients in a good Christian man?
-Will this longing change or go away? (I've followed it for years. If I don't keep feeding it will it die or will I die?)
-How can I not crush my spirit when I have responsibilities that fight against vagabonding? Is there a new stage of vagabonding I can enter within the context of leading a family and having a career?
-Is being somewhat transient an acceptable mode (even if just for a while) for a full-time servant of Christ?
-Should I try to marry someone who likes to wander and wander together, or someone who is stable and will help me grow roots?
-Is it fair to take kids along for the ride with a wandering heart?
-Where does my wandering heart come from?
-Where is my wandering heart going?

That about sums up the general inquiries. Now for your comments:

Notes- by "wandering heart" I mean... well, if I have to explain it to you in detail, you probably don't have one. I can't really describe it.

2006-10-23T15:30:00.000-06:00

(Dave, in response to your most recent "heretical" post about the authority of Paul's epistles)

Slight grin on my face. Bubble of laughter. Deep breath and long sigh. Collect my thoughts.
Type at the keyboard, so familiar, the keys are exactly where they should be, and typing feels like talking to an old friend.
I've been wondering of late how I would answer the question, "Why do you believe what you believe?"The ensuing rabbit trail I found myself on is thorny, twisting, muddy, elusive, and ultimately transcendent.
Why do you believe what you believe Dave?
I am no genius. Now I'm 24, and I have a college education, and some life experience, and I'm pretty smart and articulate compared to the masses. But put me next to a seasoned sociologist who has been around the world, around the bend, and been jaded, and I can't argue much with them about what I believe about society. Do my redemption concepts and salvation and Kingdom of God ideas and understandings really have the potential to change people? I wouldn't even be able to dialogue with the sociologist about all the key issues, about how to change behavior, how to bring about the highest good... what is the highest good?

Put me next to an old man who has a doctorate in religious studies and I wouldn't very well be able to defend my position on why I believe in Christ, that he rose from the dead, that he did miracles, that he is THE way, THE truth, THE life. Don't get me wrong, I have reasons for believing, but if we argued about it, I couldn't convince him, or even fully rationally convince myself. There's so much I don't know. I'm so ignorant.

The disciplines have been booming, and humans can study their brains out on a specific subject, field, discipline, and never learn all there is to know about it. So we have experts running around talking about religion, or science, or cosmological theories, or consciousness, or history, or probabilities, or literary criticisms.
I do not know what they know regarding my own "beliefs." I cannot rationally and arguably stand up against them to "defend" what I believe. I know that, even employing my best arguments, they could derail my train of thought.
So I could say, "I'll just believe what I believe. Leave me alone." Well, that's ignorant, I'd realize tomorrow, and chastise myself. Lunatics disassociate themselves from the idea forum so they can justify their own heresies. Yet, if the issue can never be settled for me... if I can never really know all the evidence for intelligent design, and the authenticity of Scripture, and the contextual intent of Christ's teachings, and my own psychological pre-framing, why don't I just blow my brains out?

I'm basically burning my brain up if I try to figure this out. If I try to seal my spot in the ring of rational and logical systems. I'm dead in the water.
But here's a thought that gives me comfort: Nobody knows enough to defend their position. The moment they do, and get arrogant, somebody in China will discover something buried in a field that will blow their theory to hell. So should I be an agnostic? I guess that's not too bad of an idea in certain respects, because agnostics admit their own limitations, admit that they are humble and cannot figure it out rationally. For them, "believe" has to be based on good evidence, and since they feel they can't secure all the evidence, they stay unattached. I appreciate the humility of this view, but not the cowardice or the ultimate disillusionment.

I won't waste a keystroke on throwing out "evidence" about why I believe in Christ. Why he is the Lord of my life. I believe in Him more than I believe in myself, and I have committed my life to his Kingdom, and his teachings. However, the minute I cite "proof" for his resurrection, I'm open to the railings of scholars who can better argue their counter-point than I can argue my belief. Any road I try to run down fails to bring me to confident faith.
I could then take the mystic approach, and largely opt-out of the discussion, and seek Christ in the mysteries of experience and contemplation and nature and simplicity. Yes, I could do that and live well enough, except that I have an active mind and I know that going AWOL in the discussion doesn't prove my point to anyone, or really help establish my faith either.
Do you see... any direction I take to get to rationally defending my beliefs and securing my position fails me.
So, what's going to happen is that I'm inevitably going to say make that statement, act like I'm despairing, and then take a post-modern approach to faith that transcends the rational system... which is what I'm about to do.
But then the philosopher can come in and argue that my post-modern approach is a passing phase and my "logic" or anti-logic doesn't make my position any more true.So what is my position? Why do I believe what I believe?

Slight grin on my face. Bubble of laughter. Deep breath and long sigh. Collect my thoughts. I'm smiling because inside I cultivate and appreciate all that I claim to "know" and I also "know" that my beliefs are transcendent to this discussion. I cannot prove them. I'll let them grow in the garden of my heart, and you are free to smell their scents and admire them or hate them. But they cannot survive on the laboratory table of examination. There they are dead- a carcass under a microscope. In me they are living, and they are breathing smells that smell good, and making movements that heal and encourage. We can talk about beliefs, sure. It's a good discussion. But maybe first we should have a cup of tea without talking. We should share the joys of green tea, and wrap our hands around its warmth, and breath it deep before sipping. We should marvel at the wonder of two people sitting in front of each other, alive in the mystery of life itself, and think how perposterous it is that we sit on wooden chairs that are made up of atoms that are mostly empty space moving at rapid speeds that have electrons that are popping in and out of existence.
We can look into each other's eyes and past and future dreams. Sure, let's pull out verses from the Bible and talk about them. Bring them to the cold table. It is good and can be good and must be good.
But tea is good.
Love is better.
I am discontent with my current status of ignorance on so many things. I want to learn and grow and read and know more and more...I am content with being a humble and a largely ignorant human being, with not knowing everything there is to know and being able to prove myself and my beliefs to everyone.

I suppose this offers no insights on Paul. Maybe he would not want to have tea with me. His agenda might be on church-planting or tent-making, or writing inspired letters to different cities. That is also good.
Your investigations into the mysteries of the Bible and our faith and our lives... that is also good. God birthing faith in our hearts that leads to gardens of hope and joy and peace and compassion... that is the best yet.

I could type many words now to end this post... words in English or in jibberish... quotes of scholars or sayings of children... common sense or non-sense, to give guidance to those who search. But the old friend in front of me only has 26 plastic keys... not enough to communicate my transcendent faith or light the path. That's the job of the Spirit.
May he illumine our paths.
May he save us from getting lost in words.

Divinely inspired

2006-10-15T09:52:00.000-06:00

Jarod,

I have a confession to make. I have a difficult time believing the apostle Paul was inspired by the Holy Spirit. I have made many remarks during Bible studies, thought many things that would go against traditional views of Biblical authority, and disregarded several keys aspects of Pauline theology (as it is interpreted by Evangelicals).
Where do I start? Taken as a whole, Paul's works make up the majority of the basis for Christian theology. Most sermons that I've heard have been preached out of Paul because the way of salvation is clearly established by him.
There have been several troubling observations that have wandered into my mind while comparing Paul's writing with the rest of the New Testament.

Jesus' teachings were centered around the Kingdom of Heaven/God. Using symbolic language (mustard seed, field of wheat, etc.), Jesus' listeners learned about how the Kingdom of Heaven/God is at hand/among them. He talked about fulfilling the Law, and called his followers to a higher standard of living. His disciples recorded these teachings with a sort of ambiguity that, without Paul's and the other epistles, our systematic theology would have some large holes in it. John's Gospel offers some Cosmic level explanations of Jesus possible relationship with God, as well as some teachings on the Holy Spirit. Matthew, Mark, and Luke all have accounts of Jesus teachings, miracles, confrontations, and deeds.

Enter Paul.

Paul makes hardly a mention of the Kingdom of God/Heaven in his epistles, the central teaching of Jesus. Instead, he goes on long rants about the Deity of Christ, and the importance of the Gospel (Jesus died on the cross for your sins and if you believe in Jesus you won't die but have everlasting life...)

This is why the writings of NT Wright, James Dunn, and others who hold to what is called The New Perspective on Paul, have aided in reworking/understanding what Paul was trying to say.

Basically, this new way of thinking gained popularity when a guy named E.P. Sanders wrote a book called Paul and Palestinian Judaism, in which he claimed that our traditional understanding of Judaism as a works-based salvation is a misunderstanding of the Judaism of the time. Sanders argued that the Jews did not believe that their goods works saved them, but instead that these actions were boundary points of what Sanders termed 'Covenantal Nomism'.

"Briefly put, covenantal nomism is the view that one's place in God's plan is established on the basis of the covenant and that the covenant requires as the proper response of man his obedience to its commandments, while providing means of atonement for transgression." (E.P. Sanders, Paul and Palestinian Judaism, p. 75)

How NT Wright has influenced my thinking.

The question of whether or not I should be so influenced by a man with such a strange theology is one that I'll put aside for the moment. Wright's Jesus and theVictory of God (summarized here) introduced to me Jesus' political bent. He makes a compelling case for the Messianic juiciness of Jesus' actions and teachings.
- Jesus chose twelve disciples, an obvious allusion to the original twelve tribes of Israel.
- Jesus' challenging of the major authoritative symbols of Israel (authority of the Temple, the Sabbath, Food laws, Ethnicity, etc)
- Even using the phrase, "Repent and believe in me," which Wright claims is the exact phrase used by other Revolutionary leaders during the same era, and roughly means, "Give up your way of doing revolution and follow mine."
This is just a few examples of the fresh light that Wright shines on the historical Jesus. Hopefully we can talk more about these ideas. But let me go back to Paul...

Below are several troubling observations I've made about Paul...

- The overall tone of expectation of the end of the cosmic world within a his generation (which may have also been shared by Jesus). In thinking about this observation, Wright suggests that Jesus and Paul were not talking about the end of the space-time universe, but rather the end of the current age. With this line of thinking, we are now living in the age of the Spirit, where the Kingdom of God is being established here on Earth. This view has its problems as well. Click here to read an interesting summary of the eschatologies of the major world religions.

- Paul's culturally relevant but Enlightment-uninformed view on women, with his conclusions being backed with a strong theological argument (Adam was formed first, then Eve). His arguments seem ill-thought out, or not expressed properly. He makes sweeping statements that, perhaps are cultural, perhaps are not. If he was inspired, shouldn't it be a little more clear what he meant?

- Paul's (and other writers') small-scale view of the world, as evidenced by their dualistic way of dealing with other religions (Christianity is right, any other claims of supernaturalness have demonic origins). No where in Paul's writing do we get a sense that other religions might be partially correct, which is a common Christian view today. The open-mindedness just isn't there. An answer to that might be, 'well, it was necessary for Paul to be as agressive as he was because they were laying down the foundations for Christianity, and he needed to not be wishy-washy.'
But we're saying that everything Paul said is God-inspired, therefore it is true.

- Paul seems really confused with what to do about the fate of Israel in Romans 9-11. Even if there are other passages where he describes old Israel in Orthodox Christian terms, the existence of these fuzzy passages should be red flags to Paul's authority. He seems to be just spouting off unfinished ideas because he's not sure what God's going to do with the existing Israel and the Promise.

- Paul's explicit teachings on the foolishness of getting married in Corinthians (well, if you have to...). I believe this teaching ties directly to the first observation about the end of the world coming soon, and the importance of spreading the message. This singleness passage was taken quite seriously in the early church, as the first saints in the post-persecution period were strange men and women who took vows of celibacy.

My way of dealing with these troubling observations has been to shift my way of thinking about Biblical authority. The cycle goes this way...

Jesus came and taught, died, rose, and sent out his followers.
Paul becomes an influential Christ-follower, writing many letters that were helpful and edifying to the churches. Several Gospels and other epistles are written, and all of these writings are copied and circulated among the churches. Three or four generations later, Constantine sees that Christian theology is not fully thought-through, and gets all of the leaders together to canonize certain books and letters that belong and are authoritative. At that moment in history, the authority of the church was just as, if not more important than the written Scriptures. The church had 'authority' over the Scriptures. So, the second the books were canonized, the authority switched from the hands of the church into the Scriptures?

How do I say this properly...

I want to believe in both the full authority of the church and the full authority of the Scriptures. But, at the moment, I'm viewing the church and Her decisions through God as more authoritative than the chosen Scriptures. Does that sound slippery? It is. But its my way of dealing with this huge problem I have with the Scriptural texts. I hope these links and thoughts are helpful to you in describing where I've been. I will continue to dutifully pursue these answers as I also make myself practically useful in my work. I've had these issues for some time now, just growing while I put them off to the side for survival purposes.

-Dave

2006-09-04T21:11:00.000-06:00

Jarod,

It was good to see you the other day. Realizing that the show I brought (BBC's 'The Office'), didn't really fit your sense of humor, I wanted to offer some thoughts/ramblings about my attraction to dark humour.

In the past, I've mentioned my appreciation for the show South Park, and have been surprisingly amused by other similar programs. Both South Park and BBC's 'The Office' contain what might be considered mean or dark comedy, and they tickle me in ways deeper than perhaps I should be reacting. First, 'The Office'. Ricky Gervais portrays the character 'David Brent', an insecure and socially awkward boss. Brent deeply wants people to like him, which makes his role as a boss very difficult to maintain. The painfulness is watching him lie to himself about his ability to make others laugh, about his acceptance by his workers as an authority, and the fact that he is getting along in years. While he is busy 'mucking around', the others in the office are aware of his ridiculousness but are indifferent. The fact is, everyone is generally unsatisfied with their jobs, to the point where it doesn't matter who the boss is or how he acts. It is this intensely sad state of work environment that creates the fertile soil for a turn-around in emotions: bitter laughter.

There is a self-indulgence in seeing a hated scenario played out, but having the liberty to laugh out loud at the representions of people or caricatures who annoy. It feels good.

I wonder if this is normal, or if it is a perversion of humor. I think I know the answer. The reason humor is so loved is because it's powerful. It can empty something of it's worth. Good laughter finds ridiculous things and puts them in their place.
Perhaps that is the danger of letting humor run through you rampantly. It can turn dark and leave nothing sacred. But often humor is left unchecked, and is used as a guide to find truth. If something is mockable, you laugh at it and distance yourself from it. So often this happens in the theological/philosophical realm. If people find your view so ridiculous that they laugh in your face, you're much more tempted to reconsider your view. When one person finds something funny, and another doesn't, the emotional disconnect is painfully obvious. I wonder if I structure my ideas and arguments within bounds that are impervious to stinging humor.

But with South Park and BBC's 'The Office', nothing is sacred. And the wild popularity of shows like these speaks to the narcissistic/bitter feelings steeped within our culture. Nothing is sacred, and to a large degree, authority is powerless. We don't want it. We mock it.

2006-06-15T17:20:00.000-06:00

Dave,
You know why I like THE GUY PROJECT better than just blogging? It's because it's a continuous discussion between the two of us. Whoever else reads or doesn't read the GUY PROJECT postings, I know you do, and that means more than anyone else anyways. THE GUY PROJECT is a journey. It's a continual revelation and sharing between two men whose lives are in constant transition. It's a personal record of those changes, and the people we're becoming. And it's in the spirit of our deep friendship that I write these words now.

Right now I have 7 pieces of paper sitting on my desk, and they'll serve as a guide for my e-mail to you. 6 of them are post-it notes, and one is a fortune cookie's fortune. Here's what each of them says:

POST-IT NOTE # 1. POST-PASSION.
(These 7 descriptions are post-modernish prefixes with a modern office twist...)
These notes each describe me in some way. Post-passion first. I look around at some of the Christians and younger people in general around me, and see passion in them. I see a "fired-up" spirit in them. Some generate this toward the mission of loving Jesus, or impacting other's lives, or worship, or accomplishing dreams, or living life, or loving that special someone. But I haven't genuinely felt this kind of passion for a while. My passion seems bridled by the complexity of the world, my own weaknesses, past experiences, education, infinite possibilities, and unfulfilled promises (or at least misunderstood promises.) These things make me think twice about how and why I "help the poor" or how much I let myself get lost in the beauty of a woman or how I long for the great mountains of the west.
I don't write this to snub the younger or more passionate ones I know. I say it as a sort of disappointment in myself. I probably need more passion. More childlike faith. More willingness to run barefoot even if I might step on a stone. And likewise, I think a lot of extremely passionate people could stand to beef up some other virtues like faithfulness, wisdom, compassion and empathy.
Sometimes I see genuine passion in older folks. And I admire that much more than in the younger. They've survived the test of time, and have found something worth hanging onto and believing in. I want to listen to them.
But even more, I admire passion in the middle-agers... who have been dragged out of their youthful utopias and thrown into a world of responsibility... and who manange to find and cultivate passion. Passion is freedom.
So how do I learn to run fast again?

POST-IT NOTE #2. POST-POETRY.
Quite literally, I haven't written any good poetry for a few months now. It's aesthetic constipation- my diet has been too much stress, unresolved conflict, lack of direction. This will clog the art in me. Sometimes the creative juices bubble up, but I can't quite ejaculate them onto a keyboard.
Poetry is really an amazing entity. It's taking something so functional, so human, so base as a language construct, and using it to directly touch the spirit. All good poetry comes from pain, or love, or something deep within our hearts that means the most to us. Even poems that give everyday pictures into everyday lives are still making the statement that 'this is my life... this is my struggle... this is my routine... this is my world... and it means something. even the dull averageness to my situation has perhaps some cosmic interest... or perhaps it has no cosmic interest at all and I am lost and meaningless in the world.... and that is somehow tragic in itself, the fact that I am pathetic and pointless and apathetic about it."
I am post-poetry right now because I am struggling to find the clarity of mind, of time, or heart, to compose these little sonnets of heaven. Poems to me are gifts from God. Gifts I have been missing. Life to the next level I have slightly been missing too.

POST-IT NOTE # 3. POST-IT-NOTE.
Today, going to work means driving to a place of employment. Yesteryear it meant perhaps spending hours in a field making things grow, or marching off to spear the enemy in battle, or cooking somebody else's meal, or building things out of hot iron. The idea of employment and specialization are not very simplistic. Every kind of work has its benefits and negatives.
But my job is to mold people. I am, at the end of the day, a teacher. I go to work in an office sometimes, surrounded by phones and computers and rolodexes and secretaries and junk mail and to-do lists, and somehow I sludge through it all so that when I make it to the actual people, I can make a difference in their lives... so that what I say (or what God uses me to say) might steer someone in the right direction or set them free from burdens. To mold and shape people, I don't use cast-iron molds, or hammers, or sanders, or swords. I might find myself using post-it notes.

POST-IT NOTE # 4. POST-POSTING.
I briefly described why I am electing to write you this e-mail rather than some random postings. Blogs to me are like screaming at the full moon. Sometimes I scream in the night... in fact I very often yell when no one hears me. It's catharsis, and it's healthy. But I would rather scream to you, the proverbial Dave, or to You, my unequalled Creator, or to a friend, or to an enemy... I'd rather be heard and known, rather than send my best hand-weaved basket down a giant river to be discovered by a stranger miles downstream. I'd rather talk face-to-face than phone-to-phone, rather take a walk than waste our money on something that doesn't satisfy. Rather eat what the earth made rather than what a machine made (even though I so often fail at this.) I would rather tell myths and stories around a campfire (like I did last week) than type my thoughts into the abyss.

POST-IT NOTE #5. POST-EVOLUTION.
I have long been on the quest for understanding with evolution and my faith story. I have much trouble reconciling the two stories and cannot now see them as complementary. I have many questions, but am still journeying... and to be honest, I'm typing this e-mail much faster now because two minutes ago a girl that I like called and is coming over to my house in 25 minutes. So I'm hurrying through this.
Enough on evolution. I just don't like where it leads me.

POST-IT NOTE #6. POST-PURSUIT.
What happens when the "chase" stage is over in a relationship? What happens when you find the one you love, and she stops running? I am speaking mostly hypothetically, but what is next? Perhaps there's always some pursuit... of course. But also there is an adrenaline downer. The thrill of the chase produces so much excitement that the calm afterwards is an emotional decline. To be expected, but where next? This ties in with poetry, and passion. And old-age and myths and dreaming and dousing the fire. How do we keep believing and keep pursuing and keep sprinting and keep loving fiercely?

FORTUNE COOKIE: "Follow the Advice of Your Heart."
Perhaps this answers the other questions better than anything else.
If not, then maybe the real secret to success is in the numbers below that sentence. Maybe 9 - 10 - 22 - 29 - 30 - 41 is a winning lottery number this week.

Changes

2006-05-17T21:24:00.000-06:00

Changes

Great dreams of what we could become
became
shove-asides to relentless responsibility.
Survival fights for my affections.
and my affection redirects me toward survival.
Either way, I cannot hear the forest so clearly now.
The wind doesn’t blow so freely through my heart,
clouded.
or full.
and still free
but free to serve forever,
like the master of life
who chose death.
My meditation is failing
at the thought of you.
And I throw dreams on the scale
to decipher my next move.
Am I made for lion’s fields or
for offices?
Should I learn their language,
or keep to mine?
Is this blunt, brass, square, functional poetry
here to stay,
or just a phase?
Who am I becoming in the in between moments of my life?

My hands can lift a box of food to the mouth of the hungry
even if I don’t know the history of the Catholic Church.

This change is like suicide,
and second life.
To be king means to die.
And to die on purpose so that others have life
was the great dream
of a true king.

© by Jarod Osborne, 2006.

2006-04-06T18:28:00.000-06:00

Jarod,

These issues are close to my heart. And I understand what you are saying about balance, lifestyle, and contemplation. Perhaps I consider myself as a person not naturally drawn to discipline. In fact, I almost always favor passion over discipline.
Also, I don't think that my struggle deals nearly so much with the abstract truths of Christianity as it does with being accepted into the larger church body. My experience in Azerbaijan, and my experience here in Columbus has been similar. The people who are taking action, the people who are visibly doing helpful things in needy areas, are the people who 'know what they' know. In other words, their certainty allows them to take the next step into courses of action.

I believe in the unity of believers. However, I am paranoid of being constantly perceived as only partial believer. I am not fully welcomed into the fellowship, and conversely, I don't actually want to be fully part of the fellowship, because I still have issues with being associated entirely with this group of people.
When it comes down to it, my communal reality is much more difficult for me to deal with than the abstract, but similarly difficult philosophical and scientific objections to faith. It is also more heartbreaking.

And my conversations with God are awkward, often very distant pledges of allegiance. Which God am I talking to again? Were You upset with me for being interested in the Tao, or were You encouraging that? I don't know, I'm not sure that I ever did know. Is this the God who condemns people on a higher or lower standard? I can choose this based on the community I choose to join. In fact, I'm so moldable, I sometimes can't resist the influence that a certain group may have on me.

I also can't help but believe that the path I'm walking is a good one for me in this place in my life. I feel the need to defend my steps, even though now...they seem foolish to believers and non-believers alike. I'm a fool to everyone, save a few to whom I've been able to defend myself. However, in my own way, I actually have been trying very hard to obey Christ. By looking for opportunities to reach out to the poor or lesser priveliged in appropriate ways, this was a moral principle I was wary to abandon. By living among them, I was hoping to somehow take part in their communal redemption. A redemption that can only come through the Holy Spirit.

And I, in a mixture of self-consciousness and self-righteousness, have secretly viewed my own version of how to live this life as the finest way, not wanting to condemn others, but doing so anyway. The strange mixture of self-love and self-abandon can conjure up an odd concoction indeed. But it is there that I will end this ramble.

Cheers,
Dave

2006-04-06T17:58:00.000-06:00

Note: this is Jarod's reply to a personal conversation I had with him last weekend...

I understand (I think) about how hard it is for you to connect with God, and how to know what to believe. Epistemology is tough as crotch. I've been renewed lately by the way other cultures (and religions) look at life... as if simplicity, contemplation, intuition, measured study, balanced living, and the heart- these are all ways of walking the path of truth. Not like ours, which says MORE reading, MORE eating, MORE schooling, MORE networking, MORE experiences, MORE growth, MORE proofs and theorems. It's kind of maddening. I think it's one of the most harmful religions, our scientific mindset... while it may erase some age-old prejudices, eventually it leaves you emptier than Buddhism.

Trusting God has been a delightful thing for me this week. I know it's really not all that provable in the evidence sense. It states a claim to a radically different system than what most people live by, which is survival. Believing it and choosing to live it is a self-fulfilling prophesy. By saying it's right and doing it, it proves itself true. By saying it's bogus(the christian message) and ignoring it, i'ts easily justified away.

Faith is a choice.

I want you to know that I have great chasms in my mind right now between science, evidence, and the Bible (and church). I can't reconcile so much,and it leaves me feeling uneasy and disingenuine at times.
Yet, I've called upon an old philosophical term as my trump card, and I'm using it as I go along in life... it's called "epistemic deferral". It basically means that I know I believe something,and I'm certain of it, but I cannot tell you why yet. I haven't gotten all the facts, haven't understood all the issues, haven't figured it all out. But yet I stand on that ground.

I hope you find your ground. I know you are. I know that God is finding you too. I guess just don't resist his love. As hard as it is for me to believe, I think that behind the "wizard of oz curtain" of the universe, is a place where we meet god face to face and laugh really really hard. Maybe for a millenium.

2006-03-24T08:07:00.000-07:00

Dave,
I share your feelings of separation (to a degree) from the Christians you know. You are one of the only people I feel that I can be completely open and honest with. I can be myself, and know that you won't debate me for it, or hate me for it.
A few weeks ago, in a worship service, I realized how the river of dialogue has been drying up in my life. Over the past six months, my thinking has changed so drastically, through my own study. I've engaged with ideas for the first time, such as evolution, microbiology, zoology, archeology, prehistory.... these studies are changing me. I'm taking broad sweeps, you know. I'm doing more DVD watching, and National Geographic programs than I am scholarly thesis and journal reading. But it's still changing me.
EVOLUTION: I guess I am not too surprised that many (if not most) serious scientists.. historians, archaeologists, paleontologists, bilogists, ... support Darwin's propositions in some form. And they are these:
1. Species over millions of years have evolved (through minor variations... and major changes- "speciation") to form our diverse fauna on earth. Most likely they came from the same source.
2. "Natural Selection" was the method for this evolutionary progression. Whatever animal was the best adapted to its environment was ultimately the one to survive and reproduce.

I don't have a hard time with #1. I feel like I can be a sound Christian and believe that Genesis 1 is not literal, and that God was the breath behind the evolutionary beginning.
#2 is what gets me. Humans are relatively new to the world scene. We've only been around a few seconds in comparison to the world's day. The logic follows that we exist because dinosaurs were destroyed.. and gave way to mammals (a more adaptive species to a changing environment)... and these mammals were diverse, adapting and changing to their environment for millions of years... until finally an intelligent human-like species evolved (homo erectus)... from the line of African monkeys... and then eventually spread throughout Africa and Asia, developing, and becoming fully human as we consider it now (homo sapien)... and learning how to use tools, manipulate the environment for our greater survival... hunt and gather... then plant and harvest... domesticate certain animals... start organized societies... work together to survive... throw in a little war and terror within those societies.. and some love and compassion... and here we are. The European/Fertile Crescent decendent people then multiplied their techonology faster than anybody else because of their geography... and, driven by greed, expanded their reign to other less developed nations (colonization) such as Africa, North and South America, Australia... a whole slew of islands... and now we live in the most prosperous nation in the world (economically... not spiritually... we're post-pagan in that area)...
what bothers me about that is that the whole process of natural selection, survival of the fittest, seems to go against the very heart of Christ's teachings. If the strongest, most intelligent species survived because they were faster, stronger, fiercer predators, ... and then we were "born" as a result of that... how can we now switch to a self-sacrificing modus operandi? Why would God put such a system in place that contradicts his ultimate plan. In my understanding of Jesus, it's not the strong or best adapted that survive. It's those who surrender their lives, give up what 'deserve', lay down their lives for others. But (other than familiar relationships between certain species), this has not been a pattern of other living things on earth. Evolution takes care of the best and brightest, the most well-adapted. Not the sick, the poor, the inprisoned, the hungry. These weaklings are the ones that die out first, and then the stronger ones live on and reproduce. Wolves kill the weak and the sick of the deer herd, which in turn helps keep the whole herd healthy (because it serves as a check and balance to the illness, and it allows space for the most healthy animals to reproduce). Yet Christ was highly concerned about the 'least of these.' What a contradiction. My heart tells me that Christ was absolutely right. If I was the sick or handicapped, I'd hope that someone believed Christ's message rather than Darwin's. But I have a hard time finding synthesis of the two.

(I'm taking a different tangent now...)

Before human intelligence on Earth, survival meant being fast, strong, fierce, cooperative... (picture a male lion, hunting with others, fighting for head position to mate with the best females... subduing other challengers through physical confrontation)...

Eventually, as intelligence came onto the scene (humans), survival depended more upon invention and ingenuity... and strength. (think in terms of a society... who can learn to raise the best crops.. who can figure out the weather cycles, who can learn to make steel first, and make the strongest swords and win wars... who can build the strongest national defenses, who can manipulate gun-powder to fight off the invader... who can find herbal or concocted cures for diseases).
Up until recently in human history, human survival was still intricately linked to the natural environment.
Now, many of us are very separated from the natural environment as a means of survival. I know very few people who could farm successfully. I know very few people who could survive for a year in a forest. Or ride a horse, or kill a cow and clean and process and preserve the meat.. or who can go outdoors to find a remedy for anything. Our survival depends now (in the U.s. at least, and mostly) on playing the economic game. We've built a structure above the ground.. so our feet don't have to touch the grass anymore. We have people below us who pick potatos out of the ground and send them up for us to eat. We just have to have the money to grab them.
Our economic system is still a survival of the fittest. The strongest survive and thrive, and get whatever they want. The weak and the uneducated tend to get left out, or die out, or get phased out. (except that we live in a world that has compassion, unlike many animals... because we have programs that keep these "unfit" people alive and reproducing, whereas normally they would have just eventually been marginalized and died out over time...) Thus we have huge slums in every major city... thousands and millions of people who can't play the economic game and are unproductive, and not thriving well. Thousands of people who are ill, and totally dependent on the good nature of others. And then there's the 1% who are billionaires. They're the fittest. They knew how to play the game, or their parents did.

Efficiency is the name of the game in our new "survival of the fittest" economy. We know enough about numbers and cause-effect to know that if Company A delivers ten packages a day (at $10 a package), they will be more successful than Company B who only delivers 8 packages a day. The weaker company gets eaten by the canibal bigger company (Wal-Mart is the best example I can think of for modern economic cannibalism).
We've stopped slave labor, and child labor, and the torturous confines of industrialism for the most part. Now it's a different slavery. Slavery to numbers. Stock market means survival for the masses. Beating your opponent's prices means survival. Inventing the latest and greatest means there's food on the table. Working harder, or marketing yourself better, or knowing the right person means that your family is not naturally selected out, and your lineage fails.
Same dinosaur-eat-dinosaur world. Different rules. Bigger teeth no longer win. You've gotta find a niche in the economic jungle to "thrive" (most people in the U.S. can 'live', but now it's getting ahead. Sadly, this is not the case in other countries such as Niger, Chad, Sudan, Iraq...)
So the most "efficient" survive. Those who can produce the most product with the least investment, in the shortest time, with the most effectiveness, SURVIVE.
So who will come out on top in our new game?

MACHINES. I don't know anyone who can think and calculate as fast as a simple hand-held calculator. I don't know anyone who can remember as much information as my out-of-date computer that I'm typing on right now.
I don't know anyone who can travel as far or as fast as my $10,000 Saturn. Machines are the super-species .. or so we're headed.

Why is this incredibly dangerous???
1. Using machines for human advancement is fine. But we aren't really in that much control. As Thoreau said, we've become tools for our tools. Is a scenario like "The Matrix" or "Terminator" really that unrealistic?
2. Machines deaden the soul. I've never gone to the refrigerator to be renewed. Inside the refrigerator is an apple, which gives me new life and vigor. But the apple came from a tree, which is planted in the ground, grows from sunlight. Machines can enhance, or preserve, but real life comes from the dirt. My soul is never awakened in a shopping mall. Everything there is dead. I don't share air with sweaters. I share air with trees... we're mutually sustaining. So I walk in the forest, where there are no machines, and my soul is alive again.
But the forest is not efficient. You can't make any money there, unless you cut it down and sell the lumber.
Would you sell your soul for the price of a tree?
I wouldn't. Unless maybe that's the only way to feed my family.
3. Machines multiply faster than we can sustain. Information doubles every... about 5 years. Who can learn it all? Nobody. Dave, in my heart I feel that my species is getting a little out of hand. Actually, a lot out of hand. We run too fast. Do too much. Push too hard.

But this is not heaven. This is still earth. The same earth where the brontosaurus with the longest neck survives because it can reach the highest trees. The same earth where the wooly mammoth with the thickest coat makes it through the winter. The same earth where the fastest mouse escapes the clutch of the hawk and makes it to spring, to mate with another mouse. The same world where the most elusive snow tiger lives another day because it has evaded the poachers. The world where the smartest, hardest working, richest people get to forge the wealthy life they want and be successful monetarily. Or even just get by.

My head spins, Dave. This is a journey of discovery that I am ever walking. I know that love means more than survival does. I know that, even if it kills me, and I never have children, and my family name ends, I'm going to look after the poor and the defenseless. I know that I will always be walking through the woods, even as I sit here in my office, I am walking through the woods.

Amen.

-Jarod

2006-02-02T20:50:00.000-07:00

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness.
They will be filled
with the radical ancients.
And yet we hunger and eat-
but our palate craves cardboard and drugs.
False to the body,
Narcotic to the mind,
Gnawing to the virtues.
Ingestion. this came from a million miles away
separated from the earth by ten processes.
Flew through the hands of ten businesses.
Flew through the air for ten hours.
All for me- glutton of all of history-
So proud to be eating that which one can hardly call food.
hunger and thirst, and eat… eat even before I get hungry.

Blessed are the poor in spirit.
we are the rich.
and the poor
and the indebted.
We are the have-too-muches.

We are the mutants. our lives are an inseparable blend of skin and steel.
man and machine.
A million conveniences
to fragment us.
Next invent the mind-saving device: Silence.
All these to keep me to you
keep me from you.
artificial insanity.
We have created an army of metal mosquitoes
that bite from every angle,
infect us with hybrid diseases.
Go home.
Sleep.
Rest.
Cook a meal,
Then eat it.
Talk.
Not to a machine.
Talk to a person,
and listen.
Talk slowly.
Chew slowly.
Think slowly.
Walk slowly.
Talk about your true feelings.
you are bitter about your life.
The promised mansions they said you can afford,
you can’t.
Or you get in there and
can’t afford to heat them.
Be honest with yourself.
you’re cold and naked and alone
Even in your expensive rags and busy days.
Talk without hiding.
no machine, no title, no degree, no bank account, no job
ever substituted a well-developed character.
Did you hide in the basement while the tornado came?
You should have been learning to face the storms of your life.
Grace still waits.
I don’t see it.
Do you?
Can you have hope for me?
Or is it my turn?
Vacations don’t renew anymore.
Days long past- too far for remembering except with tears-
where the family did something together,
when the family was even together.
Before destruction.
But not yet despair.

Blessed are the peace-makers.
For they will be called children of God.
Peace to you.
Peace of Christ to you.
You are drowning in paper and pagers.
I see you- you are still breathing.
Same breath, in and out, in and
Out.
Peace to your mind-
One mind
That does not answer to bosses who tax you
beyond your income,
That does not splinter with infinite choices,
That does not collapse under the weight of the Information Age.
Peace to you- or to your heart…
An old myth, the heart, about which people used to care.
Now it’s just- see a doctor, lower your blood pressure.
There’s a pill for that.
For everything.
Not the real heart.
The real self.
The piece of information lost in the shuffle.
Who are you?
What did you dream of when you dared to dream?
I think you forgot.
You can’t even remember what your scheduler has you doing on Tuesday.
Heartbeats can’t be heard unless it’s quiet.
But it’s never quiet.
At first it was just that way,
Now we make it that way.
Peace to your heart, in stillness, you will find it, and
find you.

Peace to your body, riddled with dysfunction.
Maddening diagnosis;
Dis-ease hides in nomenclature,
And ancient paths to healing have been paved over and forgotten.
But you, peace to you, who are not yet wasted away.
Dirty your hands in the garden,
If you want to save yourself.
And don’t wash them before you eat.
Leave the dirt.
Don’t you know, we are dirt.
Dirt.
As the sun sets on your life, and gray grass grows in your upper fields,
You will feel your love for the dirt,
if you are ready,
if you know how to lie down,
the dirt will welcome you, and
you will sigh in rest.

PORTRAIT OF GRIEVING
By Jarod Osborne
Copyright by Jarod Osborne, 2006

A thought on hope

2006-01-12T17:44:00.000-07:00

Jarod,

I think I have rediscovered a vital element of my spiritual life. It is the ability to hope.

Before, I was descending deeper and deeper into a sort of cynicism about those people involved with ministry, believing their achievements to be manmade, converts to an attractive world-view, theologians pushing guilt complexes and then relieving that guilt with their message of God's forgiveness. I saw missionary converts as people wanting to gain access to the strange allures of rich foreigners, rebellious people who would have left their culture's religion anyway, and were looking for a good alternative. I saw people as being the way they were, and nothing more. I saw Christian artists who forged into secular territories have little effect, being misunderstood by the non-believers and mistakenly raised to sainthood by believers. To me, believers in the United States were not changing, I was not changing, and the worlds' broken people were stuck. They were not growing closer to God (at least, it didn't seem), things were static. God was not intervening in His world, if it really was His world at all.

This sent me into a deep depression, not necessarily noticeable in my tone of voice, but within my heart. My doubt stayed within Christianity, but I viewed God as heartless, a cruel puppeteer. I believed in the sincerity of the Christian workers' experiences with God, but I also believed in the sincerity of my Muslim friends' experiences with God. For awhile, it seemed God was pitting the two religions against each other, manifesting Himself in one and then the other, but never making it clear to either side that He was the same. I never doubted that He could change things, I only doubted whether He would. In fact, I didn't know whose side God was on. Get this, I still believed in the Christian story and the Christian creeds, I believed that was God's authentic story with humanity, but I didn't know if He backed His followers in their quests to make this story known to people all over the world. When I came back from Azerbaijan, my spiritual engine was running without oil. It was screaming out warning signals of being close to destruction. Without hope for change, following Christ meant nothing, literally nothing.

I had an intense desire to experience God's power. I wanted to personally watch someone go from honest seeking agnostic to fully convinced, changed heart believer. I've never seen that.

The only reliable reference at my disposal was my own experience. Inside of myself, had there been change as a result of following Christ? I had to answer. Yes.

So...how? How have I changed?

By believing that humans have something evil growing inside of them, I have taken on the responsibility of dealing with this problem I have of consistently being selfish. Instead of explaining away my unhealthy behavior or normalizing it, I try to do something to change it. By presenting my weaknesses before God, I open myself up to being changed supernaturally by Him.

By trying to follow Jesus, I have prioritized that which he prioritized (loving God and others), allowed his teachings on the world (through parables and other statements) to be filters through which I perceive the world, and followed his self-sacrificial example of serving other people and not allowing pride to keep me from interacting with those lower than me.

By agreeing with St. Paul, I also believe that the three greatest virtues are faith, hope, and love. These are virtues do not come naturally, but take risk. By these virtues, we may positively progress in our relationships with other people, and by lacking any one of these, our relationship suffers serious damage. An inability to hope is caused by a lack of trust, which more than likely stems from a breakdown in love.
So, I am on the road of learning to trust God, and learning how to hope and what kind of change to hope for. Most importantly, I am learning to keep a love for God alive and healthy. This doesn't really answer my questions, but it opens a door to move forward.

Thanks for walking with me,
Dave

Letter to a girl in my youth group

2005-12-14T20:21:00.000-07:00

Hey! How are you?

I’m typing you a letter because I can type faster than write, and because there are several thoughts I want to share with you.

I hope you’re doing well, and ready for Christmas!

The first thing I want to talk about is hell. You had to leave the meeting a couple weeks ago just as we were getting into the discussion on hell. To open up questions about such a topic and then not discuss them is a frustrating thing. So I wanted to follow up with that discussion. The meeting itself didn’t get very far because we ran out of time. We watched a clip from the movie “What Dreams May Come” which depicts the author’s version of hell. Then we talked about the clip, and then I had to end fast with some summary ideas. I’ll share those ideas with you. But first, let’s reflect on the questions…

Where is hell/heaven?
Why do people go there?
What is it like?
Those really are the basic questions. I’ll give you my thoughts on these questions. I say “my thoughts” because I definitely do not feel like I have these things figured out. It’s like a journey of discovery, and we’re all on the journey together. Maybe I’m just a little farther. I look around at those who are farther than me and ask them what they think (like last week, I asked Denise her views on hell.)

So where is hell? I don’t really know. People used to think it was below the ground. But then we discovered the earth is a sphere, with rock and water and solid mass beneath our feet. People used to think it was somewhere out in space, but then we discovered that we’re one little planet in a huge galaxy, which is in a huge, expanding universe. So… if hell is “out there” we sure haven’t found it yet. Just lots of open space, stars, black holes, planets, comets. No definitive signs of life yet though. So maybe it’s in another dimension. I don’t know much about these theories, but it would be interesting to find out. We live in primarily 3-dimensions (or at least understand that many regularly). But what about the fourth, fifth, sixth dimensions? I really don’t know, but I plan on reading more about it soon. Some people think hell is in your mind, which may exist after you die, or die when you die. Some people think hell is the earthly consequences for your actions.

While I think there are earthly consequences, I don’t think that’s hell. I think hell is a final judgment, a God-given consequence for the wrong and evil in humanity, and in the individual. I’m not sure where it is, or how it’s done, but I believe there’s life after death, and some kind of judgment for us. I know I wouldn’t want to go there and find out.

Next, Who goes to hell, and why??? I really believe that only God decides who goes to hell and who doesn’t. I think hell is separation from God, and he is the judge of that. The bottom line is, I am not God so I won’t say who is going to hell. I can have my guesses, of course ☺ So does that mean a good Muslim can go to heaven? Maybe. I think maybe. I think God gives grace to people, and he knows their hearts and motives and souls. All grace is the grace for us by Jesus’ death on the cross. That’s the only way to be made right with God. But maybe God gives that grace to people whether they understand it all or not. What I do know is that the Bible, and history, and the Church, and my spirit and God’s spirit give me enough information and direction on how to live my life. So I want to use what I know and live for God now. I’ll trust my eternal judgment to him. So I live now like Jesus taught us. Love others. Be generous. Love God with all my heart, soul, mind, strength. Do not be caught up in the things of the world. These things move me in the ‘direction of heaven’ right now. When Jesus talked about the “Kingdom of Heaven” he said it was here “now.” It’s already begun though him, and in us! So we’re living out the path right now. And it will be carried on forever, after we die. I suspect hell is somewhat the same. Many people’s lives right now look like hell.

What is heaven or hell actually like? The Bible uses a lot of description like hell is a place where there is weeping and gnashing of teeth. Hell is a lake of fire. Heaven has streets of gold. Heaven has a tree of life for the healing of the nations. Heaven has a stream running through it that looks like a crystal sea. Heaven has no sun because God is the light. These beautiful images, and horrible ones, give us a good idea of what to expect. Whether or not it’s literally a lake of burning sulphur, I don’t know. Maybe it’s burning oil, or maybe it’s not a lake, it’s more ocean-sized. Or maybe it’s streets of silver instead of gold. Or maybe it’s poetic imagery to give us a glimpse of something beyond our comprehension. Whatever it is, I know heaven will be a place where dreams come true, where we’ll be connected to God in ways we have only longed for.

I probably only raised more questions in your mind, and didn’t answer many. But that’s kind of how the journey works. I can remember asking my youth pastor (when I was in high school) about some of these questions. And I remember not getting very good answers. I was frustrated, and it sent my spinning on my own quest for truth. I was too much of a philosopher though. Too rational.

The journey continues. I hope this letter is somewhat helpful to you. I’d be happy to discuss this more if you feel the need ☺

Later.

Jarod

Lonely Boy

2005-12-01T17:23:00.000-07:00

Lonely boy.
Abandoned son.
Trapped in a room all alone.
Enough things to eat. Enough things to do.
Felt like a lion,
caged in a zoo.
Never left the room.
Never saw the world.
The room was his world.
Locked from the outside.  And he had no key.
Someone else left him captive.

One day, he though, he would grow strong enough
to break through the door and embrace the world.
But not yet. So he sat
in a lonely room,
too cold to be comfortable,
in the remotest of regions,
with one small window
that had grown dirty and smudged
over the years.

The boy found a treasure,
an old radio.
He plugged it in long ago,
and listened to the noise.
It was the only noise.
His only companion.
He played with it now and then,
but he heard only static.
A rustling.
A hiss.
He didn’t know what the sound meant.
But at least it was something. A friend. They spoke an indiscernible language.

The boy and the radio grew up together.
Sad and long. A little chilly.
Silent.  Except for a  Hiss.  Then one day, the static faded away.
A new sound faded into the room.
The boy was lying in his bed,
wide awake.  He heard a piano.
Chopin.
He ran to the box.
He listened, rapt by the music.
Never heard this before.
Didn’t know what to think.
Couldn’t think.
Couldn’t breath.
The soft melody filled the room.
It was full.
 The room was lovely. The boy hosted a beautiful guest.
The music seemed to send warmth
through the chilled air,
that reached all the way
to the heart of the boy.

Then just as it had come,
the music left.
And the static returned.

The boy knelt silently in front of the box.
Wept.
Long and quietly.
Wept.

A brief dance with life A sting of loss.

Hiss.

Written and Copyrighted by Jarod S. Osborne, 2005

Six Steps to Fulfilling 21 Irreconcilable Qualifications of Being an Effective Follower

2005-10-11T14:51:00.000-06:00

Jarod,

I want to be a follower, and a damned good one at that. I'm a little tired of all the hype about 'leaders are made, not born' slogan and then running across so many less visionary people who are being treated to the same kind of leadership advertising. Many people our age don't value freedom to do whatever they want as highly as their parents did. Many of us want to be told what to do, but are conflicted about following the advice we're given. We're so confused about how to view the world and what step to take next. We're slow to make judgments, and are overwhelmed by the amount of information available to us. We are suspicious of a decline in our economy, and have a feeling of helplessness due to the fact that many of us never developed survival skills.

So what am I really talking about? What motivates me to write about this subject? I'm thinking about the guy who lives fully supported by Christians so that he can take high schoolers on elaborate wilderness adventures to teach them about leadership principles. I'm thinking about the fact the several Christian universities are now offering a Leadership major. I'm thinking about John Maxwell and the many books he has written about leadership qualities. I'm talking about our financial situation, and how we can afford to spend so much on training leaders and developing them, going to workshops, seminars, and wilderness adventures. The word 'leader' has been thrown around quite a bit, so I've laid out several ways I understand it. Leader- definition 1: someone who does something that other people do. definition 2: someone who initiates growth in others. definition 3: someone who has authority over others. definition 4: someone who starts a movement that others join.

Probably most of the leadership training creates leaders of the 1st and 2nd definition. One and two can definitely be learned, but three and four are probably unlearnable. It's too bad a distinction like this is not made when it comes to all the leadership hoo ha going on in the Christian subculture. We definitely always need people who are willing to step up and lead group discussions, or pastor a flock. But the great leaders that start movements who can find? I believe that when a great leader dies, for the most part the movement he began dies with him. The Leader and his movement are intertwined. That's life. And so, on the leadership movement, this is what I have to say: Please specify what you mean when you say 'leader'. And if you mean all aspects of leadership, this is what I have to say...If you really were meant to be a good leader, you would a) be observant enough to know the characteristics of a good leader, b) naturally surround yourself with other leaders who could teach you and train you, and c) basically understand people well enough to develop into leadership without the aid of many of the leadership resources available today. But that's just my naive opinion. Besides, there can only be so many leaders.

But I get excited when I think about the kind of spiritual authority that is over me as a believer. Of course I am under the Lord's authority, but perhaps I am also under the authority of the Saints. I consider a few present day Biblical scholars my authority, as well as people who modeled a lifestyle worth imitating. If I had a pastor, my pastor would be a spiritual authority, and also my peers are in authority any time they hold me accountable to my spiritual walk. There is a large need for small scale leaders who aid the Big Leader, but in the end they are actually followers, too. So, for those of us who are not leaders in the fullest sense of the word, here are some tips for Being an Effective Follower.

1. The Effective Follower is responsible for finding a good Leader. The followers are largely responsible if a bad leader rises to the top, because Followers choose the Leader. Often the Leader has such power that he/she chooses the Followers. But don't satisfy yourself with following a mediocre leader. Let's not be giving undue confidence to someone who shouldn't be a Leader. Sidenote: When Paul wrote, 'Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young...' he was talking to Timothy, not your son or daughter. Timothy was probably in his thirties and he was personally mentored by the Apostle Paul, the man who explained Christianity. Finding a good Leader to follow is huge because your ability to fulfill this requirement will effect the rest of these cheap, common-sense steps. If there is no good leader, then you and your group are a bunch of followers waiting to be led. That's fine, too. If you can't find anyone living and in your area to be your Leader, choose a saint to follow. I haven't done this, but it probably works. Try it and tell me how it went.

2. The Effective Follower serves the Leader. I know, I know, LEADERS are supposed to be the ones serving. But c'mon, the shock value of that statement has long since worn off. Leaders serve followers, followers serve leaders-it goes both ways. In the traditional model the follower was always the servant, not the other way 'round. Stop bitching and start following. It is always the King's choice to serve, and a good king usually chooses service. You can serve your leader by being available and aligning yourself with the purpose of the movement. Also, financially supporting your leader is a given.

3. The Effective Follower realizes the importance of his/her followership. You know, if there were no followers, there wouldn't even be any leaders. A good follower understands this, and understands why it is so important to fulfill step #1. Also, to be secure in your position of service and to be aware of your personal strengths and weaknesses and how they may aid the Leader gives that much more punch to the entire movement. If you are a follower, you are valuable because you contribute to the power of the Leader. If you have several friends within the movement, you can act together to give the Leader that much more power.

4. The Effective Follower is loyal to the cause of the Leader. This also ties back closely to #1. In fact, this should be #2 but I didn't think of it soon enough. If you are a good at observing people, you should be able to tell how loyal the Leader is to his/her own cause, and this will help reinforce your ability to be loyal.

5. The Effective Follower does not seek power or recognition. The Leader has the power, remember? The Leader has the power to distribute power. The Leader has the power to distribute recognition. Be patient. If you followed step #1 then you can trust the Leader. There can only be one Leader in a movement. Get really good at collecting resources and being useful so that you can implement those resources into the whole movement.

6. The Effective Follower bonds with other Effective Followers. Because the more followers you know, the more likely you are to stumble onto a great Leader, the kind you would want to follow. Also, Leaders love it when followers come in a pack.

So there you have it. Now go out there and be a great Follower.

What am I talking about? I'm not sure. I think the kind of Leader that I want to follow is a very rare thing, but I will find the movement, and when I do I probably won't believe it, and I'll step into skepticism to protect me from joining something worth being a part of. But here's to hoping that I'll have the confidence to join something bigger than myself and my little dreams!

I believe a leader and his cause are tied together. When the leader dies, the movement dies. Don't be afraid of this. Fresh movements are starting all the time.

Walking with more purpose,
Dave

The Traveler

2005-09-07T12:26:00.000-06:00

Dave,

What is it about traveling? We grew up out of a cluster of ministry-minded college friends- many of whom did some serious world travel. Jacksons. Johnsons. Carder. Kind & Schmerse. You. Me. And I could name lots more. And it seems that these travels have defined us in many ways. Changed us. Especially spiritually. I have watched the faith of my friends, and especially my own, go through a really difficult metamorphosis. The question is, was the caterpillar better than the new butterfly? Some have become Universalists. Some, inclusivists. Some, screwed-up-ivists.
Part of this changing is just growing up, finding our own way. But I really believe part of it is a unique experience in our time and culture. Now, more than ever before in history, American students can gain the whole world (through traveling and studying abroad)... and perhaps lose their soul in the process. There have always been the elite members of the global community, the religious intelligencia, the cultured people, the world-minded. But now there are more of these than ever. Students who, during their most formative educational years, are exposing themselves to other cultures, other religions, and stimuli that they often do not know how to process or assimilate into their lives.

It's like The Traveler. The Traveler is different than someone who travels. Anyone can go to a different location. Vacation. Visit. And come home. But a traveler is one who has undergone a paradigm shift- his home is now anywhere he lays his head (this person can by all means be female too, I am just using male pronouns for clarity's sake). He has no place of ultimate return. He has no restful haven where he can call home. Every town is his town. Every street his pathway. And though he may stay here or there for a while, even a long while, he has packed all his belongings in his heart, and he could leave at a moment's notice. And he doesn't waste much time "unpacking" and settling into a particular place, because he'll probably just leave again. The Traveler is one who frequently travels, but it is also an internal state.

He sees a town, and he knows what a town is. Regardless of what country he is in, or what language they speak, a town is still a town. A group of people. They have their own little power structure. Their rules- written and unwritten. Their method of waste removal. Their politics. Their local heroes. Their embarrassing moments of the past. Their methods of food production. The Traveler knows what it means to be a town. So when he walks into a small town, he has an heir of mystery to him. "There's the guy who has been everywhere." "He's not from around here." "He's different." The mystique of the larger awareness. The scent of the pilgrim. The face of the hero.

The Traveler can enter a town council meeting and listen to their quibbling about whether or not they should expand Main Street to a four-lane highway. Everyone has their own opinion. Those who want more business and economic growth say yes, it will draw more people into the town. The farmer who is concerned that the town will get too big (and that his farming business might be marginalized), raises all kinds of caution. And they debate. But the Traveler has seen it before. He doesn't really care if the town grows big or small. He knows it will probably expand the highway, and probably draw a lot of larger chain corporations because it is in a prime location. And the local farmer will probably be beaten out by a mega-market that sets up shop ten miles from his fields. The Traveler has seen it before. Knows the way things go. So he can advise the council members, and warn them of the possible dangers. And bring the wisdom of experience.

He can go to the high school football game on Friday night and wonder why all these adults get so emotionally involved in a small-town game. Do these sixteen year olds really think they're so special? Or the best? Why would any one of the mature people here get upset if this team wins or loses? It really means nothing in the scheme of life. In the world. He finds it amusing, and yet feels that he doesn't belong. Can't speak their language.

He meets the farmer's wife. Both of them smiling from ear to ear. Married for twenty years, but still very much in love. The farmer tells him that he married the most beautiful woman in the world. But the Traveler has seen the world, and seen at least two hundred women who were more beautiful. But he doesn't tell the farmer that. He just smiles. And the farmer wonders what the Traveler knows that he doesn't know. And what is really over that mountain- the one that the Traveler climbed. And he goes back into his house with his wife and eats dinner and watches someone's adventures on the television.

The Traveler may be the hero. May hold some prestige in the town. May feel special. But then he leaves. He moves on. For that's what he does. He's a Traveler. Knows the whole world, but strangely lost something. Maybe battles with loneliness and lack of meaning. Maybe feels more foolish than the farmer.

The farmer, however, sees the town very differently than the Traveler saw it. The farmer knows what it is to plant a seed and tend it until it grows in to a vegetable, and then harvest and eat the vegetable. And feed your kids with it. Knows what it is to wake up in the same bed every morning, and walk into your investments and see the returns. The farmer cares about the town highway project. He's not been in many towns, and doesn't know how these things work, but he knows that too much commercialism could hurt the town. And he doesn't want to see that happen.
When he goes to a football game, he pays his five bucks without thinking. His son's the starting running back this year. And when his son makes a good play, he's cheering louder than any of them. And his son might even be able to get a scholarship to play in college. And he knows the other boys on the team. Seen them grow up. Seen them practice hard. Wants them to be their rivals this year, the first time in ten years.
And the farmer loves his wife. Nobody in the world, or no amount of money could convince him that she's not the most beautiful woman in the world. He chose her, and he still loves her, and he didn't need to see two hundred pretty girls to make his pick. And most of the time he's happy with it.

The Traveler is likely to get lonely. Likely to envy the farmer's love and commitment to his wife. But could he commit? Could he actually care about a high school football game? Could he patiently plant and wait. He's seen the world, climbed the mountains. What's next?

The farmer is bound to have a long night now and again where he dreams of the world he never saw. Of the adventure he never had. Of the Princess he never rescued. Where he wonders if all life is is this damn field, where his sweat makes the beans grow. He'll wish for a prettier wife maybe. Or a younger one. He'll wish he'd done what the Traveler did. But then he'll probably go to sleep and forget about it in a couple days.

I've been the Traveler. It has sunk deep. It's who I've become. Not just for a day, or for a trip. But in essence. I can remember the day I packed up my emotional backpack and set out on a journey by myself. And I have followed on that quest for years. Seen the cities. Now I know what it means to be a city. Dug deep into the wilderness. Now I know how to survive. Tasted cultures. Now I lost some of my own in the process. Studied other faith systems- seen them - met them. Now I can't just cling to my own like I did. Slept in hundreds of different places.

Could not see myself committing to a place. A field. A girl. A job. A town. A team.

I am tired of being a Traveler. It is getting lonely.

I want to see the dew on the field in the morning... the same field that just a few months ago was covered with snow. I want to wait for the cherry blossoms to burst out in their song. And watch them die. And watch them resurrect.
I want to taste what I planted years ago, for once.
I want to get to know my neighbor, not just this culture.
I want to hear a voice that I have created say "I love you daddy."
I want to be as convinced as the farmer, that the woman I wake up with in the morning is the most beautiful woman in the world. And I want to make her feel like that.
I want to be buried next to another Osborne, not just be buried in the last town I was in.

I will never be the farmer. I will always reminisce of the mountain top, or the great battle, or the long journey through the dark forest. I will always smell the new smells of the new city. Sometimes wake up and wonder where in the world am I? See the scars on my stomach from that one time. Scream. Cry. Long for the Traveler. I don't suppose those things will ever wholly leave.
But I would rather master the language of loving my wife than master the languages of ten nations.

I suspect I will be ire for those farmers. A pricking, raging beast settled among them. Until I must move on. I strongly expect to be forever untamed, even in my small town. Yet farming.

And this applies spiritually. Through education and diverse experience, we can learn of many different religions. See many "towns". And we realize their similarities. See their faults and prizes. Condemn their ignorance and applaud their spirit. After stepping out of our own religious system or origin, we can ask ourselves the question, "Why is my town better or more right than anyone else's town?" And that is a valid question. And perhaps someone may then be whole-heartedly convinced that one particular town (religion/ belief) is the absolute accurate one. I suspect such a person will immediately settle in that town.
But maybe the religious Traveler will have to choose a town. Maybe he can never be wholly certain, absolutely sure, where to settle. Thus, the Traveler's choice is now either to remain a Traveler, or to become a farmer.
While the Religious Traveler can sample the best delicacies from every town, he will never get to know the cook who made his food. While he may have an heir of authority and mystery, he will never experience the depth and relationship offered within the community.

I humbly admit that, as of now, with my understanding of epistemology, I cannot say for sure "for sure" regarding all my beliefs spiritually. I believe in the Christian story, and have laid down roots there, but I doubt I'd ever be able to prove it to you (or even to myself). I have chosen to stop and stay in this town. I love the people. I love the heritage. I love the love. And I think it is the essence of reality as best as can be described in human language. I much prefer committing my life to Christ over being a spiritual wanderer. I prefer accepting a few essentials by faith over never holding my ground on any belief. I prefer devoting myself to this marriage (in a sense, to Christ) rather than forever searching for the prettier girl.
I'm never gonna be a tame farmer, or citizen, or Christian.
But I am one.
I may never settle down.
But I am going to wholly invest myself here.

God, please accept all that I believe, all that I do, and all that I say as my humble and sincere attempts to worship you because you are far greater than me.

Changing,
Jarod

A sphere with a wooden center

2005-09-05T08:58:00.000-06:00

Detachment. This is the word I remember from your last e-mail. I brought up detachment as a spiritual goal in a Bible study recently, and it was shot down by all but none. I suppose it does carry with it a negative connotation. 'That man is detached from his marriage'. Definitely a bad thing. 'When she heard her mother died she didn't even cry.' Not a healthy reaction. I suppose I can use detachment positively if I detach myself from things, especially if those things threaten to steal my time and energy. People are admired for detaching themselves from their material possessions, or even from the allure of their status. We sometimes even admire people who detach from the rest of humanity. But to detach from humans is quite a different thing. It is wrong to be indifferent to the those around us, so we need to learn how to regard them. Often I detach to protect myself from harm or unhealthy reliance on others. Protection of image (as if I had one to protect), protection of dignity, protection from irritation, I've found many reasons to detach, and I've become quite good at doing it. So good, in fact, that I sometimes can't quite reconnect after I've conducted a successful detachment party within myself. If I truly have reached within to 'unplug' whatever attachments I had in this life, perhaps I can return now and face the same people and situations, only with a different approach.

For years now I've watched my mom love the unlovable. She purposefully finds people who are struggling emotionally, financially, even physically and tries to help them out of their destructive cycles. She believes in the power of believing in another person. She believes that God's power can change another. When I'm with her, my hope and enthusiasm for that sort of change grows. Sometimes I think her involvement is misplaced, or even dangerous at times. But I would say the best 'Christian' conclusion is that most of her toiling produces unseen good effect. I respect and admire her for it. I, however, have detached myself from people like this. In my own pompous, arrogant way I have ignored (rejected) the lives of these broken people. She expects to see change in them. I don't. She believes they have the ability to love far beyond their current practices. I lower my eyes and pretend to hope.

The root of my detachment became clearer on the day I went for the job interview in Dayton at the church who was looking for a worship pastor. At the time I was wrestling with why God had never used me to lead another person into the Kingdom. Through most of my life as a believer it was a desire of mine to, not just pray a prayer of salvation with someone, but watch them go from a Godless life to a God-filled life, and then recognize it as a miracle from God. I wanted to see that so bad. It started with honest intentions of wanting people to be rescued from Hell. Sure, there was always the battle of, am I doing this for God's glory or for mine? But (logic from my theology at the time) if God really wants people into Heaven that bad, will my intentions matter that much? As I continued looking for people to share with, my mood become more laid back and I would strike up conversations with random people in the areas wherever I lived. Nothing special really, just looking for opportunities to ask pointed questions that would get people thinking. But even this, while a good exercise in the spreading of wisdom, was unsatisfactory and often met with a wall of misunderstanding. I began to detach myself from the situation I believed I was in, being, I am talking with people who are on a road to eternal condemnation and I can do nothing about it. They don't understand, nor do they care. Eradic displays of emotions would not inspire a change. I hoped that my music could penetrate those walls or create bridges. But what I discovered was that there was a fundamental difference between me and the people I was hoping to reach. I was seeing reality through the eyes of faith, and they were not. End of story. And instead of caring for those people, I chose to detach from them.

You can't argue someone into having faith. You just can't. No amount of persuasion, begging, or trickery will ever cause another person to believe.

God, don't You understand this? You can't just force someone to believe Your truth, even if you display it to them in all Your might and power. If other religions truly are shattered truth, and some good elements remain, shine them brightly to be embraced by Your anonymous children. But of course You, Who gave us the will to choose, understand. And You still have hope for those selfishly living in their own states of detachment, dead to themselves and to the world. As for me, I have ignored (rejected) them as hopeless cases of inverted self-love, not unlike myself. The difference between You and I is hope. Hope is involvement unto pain, toiling until the message is clear.

When the people I met didn't understand or accept Your Message as I explained it, I counted it as a personal failure. It was as if I didn't know You well enough to talk about You. Or maybe You were willing to introduce Yourself to me, but not to these other people. Because I remember when Your Truth shot through me. I remember being filled by Your Spirit. I can't remember if it was because of something I did or just because You chose to find me.

How it happened isn't important, what's important is that I learn from You, and teach this to those around me STARTING WITH THOSE CLOSEST TO ME.

Detachment is the first stage of rejection. Buddhism follows a similar idea. The Pain doesn't exist, because it is only in your mind. If you detach from those things which bring Pain, Pain will cease to exist. However, in doing so you will created a divide between yourself and the world around you, including your loved ones. When you cut off your loved ones, you also cut off the ones who love you. And if nobody loves you, you probably don't exist either.

Reconnecting,

Dave

2005-06-16T04:00:00.000-06:00

Dave,

Your return is approaching... I am greatly looking forward to reconnecting.Isn't it interesting how time stretches as we get older. It's a good thing we develop patience with age (or should, anyway) because it seems that important things can take so long in coming.
Here are some examples:

A. You and I hanging out. You take off for six months to a far off place, and I have to wait all that time for you to come back (even if for a short stay). Six months is not short, but then again, it's not long in adult time.
B. Girl. I've been waiting for this one for around 23 years. Still waiting.
C. Direction. I think this is more walked than "found." But our life directions are still things we seek, and often don't find until we look back on where our footsteps are. And then we might say, "Oh, God, that's my path."
D. Heaven... and the fulfillment of all good things. This is a life-time pursuit. Never having, yet never totally lacking. But we live in tension, with a great hope of our true country. Patience rules the day, when the day is hard and heaven sounds more and more appealing.

I suppose "wanting and getting" is not the most important operation in life. It's more walking and being. Living and loving. These kinds of things are not so concrete. Not so gratifying. More discovery oriented. The Buddhists are right in many ways, detatchment is functional for spirituality.

A Funny Thing

2005-05-02T08:21:00.000-06:00

Jarod,

A funny thing happened as I was going for a run several days ago. It was a Saturday morning, the air was fresh, and the sun was shining. In a wooded park I saw children and their martial arts instructor practicing their discipline. Continuing to run through the woods I came to a tree whose branch was more than willing to allow me to use him for pull-ups. This was one of those rare days when, the more energy one expends, the more energy is released into the body. After I finished my pull-ups, I saw the sun shining brightly on a section of the ground. Breathing in the cool air, feeling at peace, being out of the noisy city, I knew this was it. At the back of my head I felt something snap ever so slightly and what felt like liquid sublimity flowed through my body. I didn’t expect it, but it happened. God was ready to allow me into His presence. I spent some time in meditation and prayer, basking in the sunlight and in the Father’s presence.

At times I’ve tried to recreate those experiences. I go through the same motions, even visit the same locations in hopes of feeling that way again. It hardly ever works. Those times usually happen: 1. when I have been contemplating the truth of God, and 2. when I am in need of reinstatement. It is a gift from God that comes and goes like some sort of magical portal into the spiritual world. I guess that’s what I find so interesting about God. He has total control. If He wants to leave, He can. He’s not obligated to us in any way. On the contrary, we’ve offended Him quite often, I suppose. That’s the word I keep hearing at any rate. He can’t invite us in all the time, that’s not our role. Besides, if He did we would get soft and fail to learn the other aspects of God. The very thing that pleases God is the thing we need to learn over and over again...obedience. This is the first necessity you must grasp if you hope to win God over. Actually, its more like allowing Him to win you over.

The first six books of the Scriptures seem to talk of nothing but obedience and cleanliness, obedience, cleanliness, obedience, cleanliness. This is apparently all that God wants, He wants us to be obedient and clean. I suppose the reason is because when we are obeying and clean, that’s when He can come visit us. And He really does want to visit us. He was hard on the Israelites, weighing them down with all sorts of rules to obey. Then Jesus came and all of a sudden humans didn’t have to follow those rules anymore (many of them anyways). Some say He made it harder by internalizing everything and locating sin in the heart. Clearly it was impossible for humans to please God with successful obedience, we were too crooked. That problem was solved on the cross.

Then there’s the brokenness. You consider yourself of lower regard, lower than the others at least. Your will is broken and so are your motives. In fact, it will probably be painful. I don’t think that God necessarily enjoys us being broken, but it does prove to be a necessary function time and again. Its too bad that I can’t break myself. That’s also up to God.

So we are, as we always have been, at the mercy of God’s grace. That’s why its worth it to be ready for that singular moment when God, in faithfulness to His promise, breaks us and cleanses us and then elevates us to the level of friendship for a time. This friendship can only last while we are in His favor because the backbone of it is our obedience and humility. The funny thing is, last week I was saying all of these things begrudgingly of God and His power, annoyed at His unwillingness to break into my life and do all the things I just described. But now, after having that experience in the woods, I feel refreshed and loved by God, which I suppose misses the whole point of what He wants, which is a constant satisfaction with who He is regardless of how I feel. Ahh human emotions. So fickle, so amusing, so dangerous.

May God shower His mercy on us,
Dave

A tribe was foraging through the jungle...

2005-04-08T08:55:00.000-06:00

A tribe was foraging through the jungle. One day their travels for the finest fruits led them high into an unchartered mountain range. At these new heights, they tasted some of the best food they had ever encountered. And they sang and danced together around the campfire every night to celebrate their discovery.
A few days later, one of the young girls in the tribe was walking along the rocky cliffs and fell into a large hole. She fell far, but was unhurt. Her father, who was walking behind her, ran to the edge of the opening, but the rocks gave way and he fell in too. The tribe all gathered around the hole, shouting to those who fell. They were in distress because the large cave that surrounded them was dark and cold. So the tribe began a rescue attempt. But it failed. And two more people fell in the hole. The next rescue also failed, and more fell. And eventually, in their zeal to free the fallen, all had fallen.
The cave was deep and long, and had only one opening- the hole they had fallen in, high above the rock wall. The people began to worry. The children squirmed. The women cried. The men held a council. They decided that the only way out of the cave was to climb.
So they began. The whole tribe agreed to devote themselves to climbing out to their freedom. They began to work diligently, but the tribe had never climbed before. They had always been foragers in the flat forests of the world. So they started small. Toughening the feet. Walking on sharp rock. It hurt. Cuts. Then callouses. Strengthening the fingers for gripping small places. Raw fingers. Then callouses formed. Building up the arms so they could endure the climb. The men worked night and day at training so they could climb out and free the tribe. Meanwhile, the women began to make fires and collect the scraps of food and rodents and a few green plants that grew in the tomb of the mountain.
They practiced for days... and weeks. The women built shelters. No one could make it to the top. They trained harder. They practiced for weeks and months. Some of the old men died-the leaders of the council. No one could yet make it to the top. They trained for months and years. New babies were born and half-grown... all they'd known was the cave. The opening had begun to be covered with leaves and fallen branches, and the light hardly shined into the cave anymore. No one could make it to the top.
After many years, one of the council leaders declared that the man who could make it out of the cave first would be the chief of the tribe, and his family after him. So the men began training with renewed vigor. They held competitions and made sport of the climbing. They developed make-shift equipment to aid their ascent up the rock wall. They grew closer. More died. More were born. Huts in the cave were fixed up into houses. Rats and mice were always on the menu. Moss was a delicacy. Clean water was forgotten. No one remembered the taste of fruit. And the men and boys climbed.
They climbed so much, and held so many competitions, that the winners became famous and respected among the tribe. They held regular tournaments to see who could climb the highest. The boys would prepare hard. The winner would be a celebrity, and the young boys would admire him. They climbed and cheered and climbed and cheered. Ate and talked. Slept in their dark houses.
One day, during the climbing competition, a young man was nearing the top of the cliff. The tribe was silent, amazed at his ability. No one had ever climbed so high. When he reached the top, the people cheered! But the young man did not pay any attention to their cheering. He noticed something at the top. Branches. Dead leaves. He began to pull away the debris until he revealed the hole. He cleared the entry way, and the sun burst into the cave. The people were blinded by the brightness, and yelled at the young man to close the opening. It was hurting their eyes. But he kept making the hole bigger. The old men searched deep in their memories to the place of their childhood. They had seen the hole before, like the ghost of their ancestors. But they did not understand its meaning. They had forgotten its place. The people began screaming at the curious young man to come down, but he would not listen. They threw rocks at him until he lost his grip and fell back down into the cave.
The boy was not injured. The people were silent. The children were unsure. The women began to prepare lunch. The men held a council. And they warned the boy against doing such a foolish thing in the future. He could have gotten hurt, or blinded the entire tribe.
And no one was able to reach the top.

Of Religions

2005-02-24T00:13:00.000-07:00

Jarod,

I can already see that my struggle with other religions will become more difficult in this journey. A good Hindu lives a life of love. They respect other people and are in touch with the inner moral fabric. This is the same with a Muslim, and a Christian. All emphasize obedience to a transcendent moral code, whether it takes an abstract or personal form. They are so annoyingly similar in feeling. Muslims emphasize obedience to Allah. Hindus tap the inner energy within, much like the Christian’s Holy Spirit, which they only receive when they believe.

And each religion has had very similar goals: to get those within their respective cultures to shed apathy. A lack of compassion feels like the true evil. Christ calls the duty to love our neighbor the 2nd greatest command, so this matches up.

Every culture has evil, moderately evil, moderately good, and good people. A more accurate scale might be: cruel, apathetic, and saintly. It seems as though the saintly person in any culture is naturally drawn to the goodness of the created world, and is more likely to leave his heart open to God’s truth. I am less worried about these persons, because I believe God will reveal Himself to them somehow. Many now believe that there is a final after-death experience that confirms or denies their pursuit of truth on earth and gives them one last chance to accept Truth.

However, the apathetic need more of a push. These are the people who need their lives to be interrupted by positive influences. Often cynical, they need to have their attitudes challenged. They are also often without a vision for where the world is headed, and are content to continue on with life after some base questions are answered.
The evil might find redemption through punishment.

I think back to the talk we had in your kitchen, where three cups represent three religious structures – we’ll say Buddhism, Christianity, and Hinduism. Then you held a spoon over each one, which represented Christ. We'll say each religious structure includes its teachings, values, disciplines, and cultural history. I'm attracted to the idea that a person may follow a number of different religious structures in their search for truth. People must work with what pieces of truth they have been given. However, no one may commune with God the Father except through the person of Christ. And He is truth embodied. Perhaps there is more hope for the devout follower of another faith whose heart is full of love than for the shallow, materialistic Christian. For some since Christians are content to continue in the weakness of faith in which they began.

The message of the Gospel is unique. It is not just a bit of mercy here and there; it is not a reprogramming of the human mind; it is the person of Christ and His sacrifice. It is complete forgiveness for sins irreparable. It is alive with power, dynamic and moving within us. But those who devote their lives to holiness are not given assurance of salvation - it is in the hand of God. Apparently salvation is available even to the worst of sinners. The frustrating thing is that we are powerless to grab it - it is a gift from God. The way of salvation has not been hidden from us, but it sure hasn’t been made crystal clear. I rest in the hope that God is continually opening our eyes.

Dave

The Role of 'Brother'

2005-02-09T08:50:00.000-07:00

I sat down to write about my experiences here, and this is what came out…

Jarod,
I really needed to hear that. Our actions eventually define who we are,above everything else. This gives me motivation to do things for which I lack confidence, because I have the hope of eventually mastering what Iset out to do. By the way, I have recovered from my insanity as well.One role I have grown to love is that of the brother. I have threesisters, and each of them is a different type of woman. But for eachsister my role is fundamentally the same: to offer the love,encouragement, safety, and protection from a man in the same bloodline. The brother is an unasked for representative of the “other” gender and hasa position of inherited power due to the vulnerable nature of a family. Ihave seen brothers who could not handle this inherited power, and bynature brought anguish to their sisters’ lives. This is an earlyresponsibility. Of course I had no idea of this power when I was a child, but the adultbrother is a very different matter. He is not the father, thoughsometimes he also must take that role. No, in those moments when he iswith his family, he is an aspiring leader: a father in training. Yes, the joy of being young is the ability to make mistakes.
When I was a youngboy growing up with three sisters, I played alone quite a lot. My thoughts were quite far from cultivating my sisters. I loved them, theywere an oddity.
For my oldest sister, I was the goofy little brother who stayed in theawkward stage for a very long time. Now I am the young brother who rejoices with her in her new life as a married woman. For my middle sister, I was the nerdy recluse who she sometimes playedbasketball with. Now I am the brother that she encourages as we laugh andmake light of painful situations.For my little sister, I was the older brother who was somewhat distant. Now I am the older brother who feels very close to her and watches with joy as she grows into a mature young woman. Again, I didn’t understand the joy of this role until I was grown. Now Iam trying to do the things I need to do to be the kind of brother mysisters deserve. This role may develop outside of the blood family aswell, but it is rare to become close to a woman outside the familywithout…er…complications.

Sisters within the blood family are a gift from God. We did not ask for them but, to some degree, they will always be apart of our lives.

-Dave

Giving Blood

2005-02-09T08:46:00.000-07:00

A group of men walk into a Red Cross clinic to donate blood. They all start by reading a statistics sheet about how much blood is needed in the U.S. every day, and how injured people are anticipating their donations. The first man skims the sheet, but he can't stay concentrated. He is thinking about his new rims. He just bought them, they're sitting in his trunk, waiting to be put on his tires. That's it- he can't take it anymore- he has to go.... his rims are calling. So he leaves the clinic and goes to his car.
The second man leaves too. But this man read the paper carefully. Slowly. And then read it again. So much injury, so many deaths. The nation needs so much blood, and there are so few who give. He doesn't see how his small gift can make a difference. His burden gets the better of him, and he starts to feel nauseous. Already nauseous, and he hasn't even seen the needle.
The third man fills out his paperwork, goes through the screening process, chats with the health-care workers. He asks his buddies where they want to go for dinner after they donate. He talks about the football game with his nurse as his blood is being drawn. He is robust. This man hardly feels the loss of his blood- glad to give it to someone in need. Smiles and gets a bandage on his arm. Says "thanks" as he leaves. The fourth man decides to stay. He felt the same temptation as the second man... too much need. But he stays. He doesn't have quite as much fun as the man before him. He is already hurting with those who have been injured. His donation is a direct transaction of grief mixed with blood... the recipients take some of his blood, he takes some of their grief. The needle hurts this man. He goes light-headed. They run to bring the fan. Elevate his feet. "Do you want us to stop drawing?" They ask? "No." He keeps squeezing, pumping. The bag fills slowly. But the man knows his discomfort is only a minor price to pay to help. He finally meets his quota, and they withdraw the needle. They bandage him, but the man walks away unsatisfied. He doesn't want to leave. He turns around, asks "Can you take any more?" "No." They say. "That's enough for today." The man knows his body will soon recover, but someone else who was wounded many not. He wishes he could go back to the chair again, fill up ten bags, give them all his blood. But they would never allow it. So he leaves the clinic, waves to the man installing the new rims on his car... wonders how such a man can live with himself... then helps him finish putting on the rims.

Seems that I'm like the last guy, Dave.

Shaping reality

2005-01-18T08:46:00.001-07:00

Dave,

The insanity e-mail was great. I felt myself being torn by similar forces, and coming to similar ends. However, I think I'm back from my sojourn to Madness. I'm back by choice, that is.

Contemporary philosophers, psychologists, even scientists have done a number on our old concepts of epistemology... how we "know" something, and what is perceived as reality. After you figure in your genetic predispositions, up-bringing, character flaws, cultural heritage, finite inability to know anything with certainty, and the chemical transactions that actually create brain activity, it seems you're left with relativity. "Reality" can easily become nothing more than a group consensus on how to live so that a society doesn't go insane.

Kant said that we cannot know anything for sure. This comes as a blow to Christians claiming to have the monopoly on absolute truth. As the hymn goes, "You ask me how I know he lives- He lives within my heart." How can we convince a postmodern world that we've found an absolute? Should we try? Have we even found one?
-Writer's note: Sometimes I don't like to be a thinker. I wonder what it would be like to just accept things, not try to digest and redefine, sift, discover, prove... I suppose it would be a simpler life. But I don't think I'd want that kind of faith. I was not made that way. So I'll go back to trying to explain what I'm thinking recently about my faith...

You ever hear the saying, "Act as If..." ? It means that if you don't feel joyful, act joyful and eventually the rest of you will catch up. If you don't feel kind, go ahead and force yourself to play that role, and eventually you will find yourself being kind. It seems to work. Do you think there's any corollation with our faith? Believe as if something is real, and it will, in a sense, become real.
The past few weeks I was slipping into madness a little. I was off schedule, physically unhealthy, emotionally unbalanced, mentally searching. And I came to the conclusion (again) that Solomon did (Ecclesiastes 1:2 "Everything is meaningless... utterly meaningless!") I sought the answers to life directly, searched for meaning and purpose, a rational bottom line, a definitive reality. And the result was frustration and an overarching sense that it's all non-sense. Life is laughable. I really have mentally reached that conclusion. It's not really a conclusion (as if it was an ending point) but more of a resignation.

And to believe that life is meaningless produces a meaningless life. But instead, I got out of bed the next day at 5 am and started training again. Running, lifting, tae kwon do, meditation, prayer, reading of Scripture. I chose to believe that there was a point to it all, hope. I lived like it and I began to see it. Is this anywhere near what the Bible means by saying "receive by faith" ? Faith is being sure of what you don't see. Faith shapes your reality. Doesn't it? This concept cannot be applied extremely and absolutely, but I think it has its value. Many believe that there is no God- and I can see how they could believe that, and honestly not see Him. They have pre-framed their potential for seeing such things.

I once read a church sign that said "We become what we choose." It's true. We also believe what we choose, and we become what we believe.

The Descent into Madness

2004-12-26T20:35:00.000-07:00

Jarod,

Insanity is believing something that is not real. I am not insane, though sometimes I feel as though I am.
Madmen usually spent a lot of time by themselves. Without the check of other people in their lives, they allow their beliefs and perspectives to grow untrimmed until it becomes a tangled mess.

What is causing this feeling of insanity? Part of it is the dream I continue to hold onto. Dreaming in the midst of the breaking winds of reality causes me to feel insane. It is a perspective of the world from a youth’s eyes. A young person sees the systems of the world and wants to affect change, but in light of shifting perspectives there is a loss of foundation. Some of these feelings are the result of tough transitions I am going through I enter the adult world. Many of my peers have landed in their first job, and they feel a sense of satisfaction. My decisions have led me to a different place, a very uncomfortable place where I continue to reside as I hope for the payoff of opportunity.

Part of the reason is an increased knowledge of the world. I am young. I have much to learn. But I think I can safely say that God has granted me an amount of wisdom. As Solomon said, with knowledge comes grief. The more knowledge, the more grief. And when this grief becomes too heavy, it must be counteracted or diffused or something. It causes me to laugh. Sometimes I find myself laughing at things ridiculous without control. I relish my times of laughter, trying to squeeze the most I can out of them. It helps balance the brooding. Both brooding and laughter are better than emotionlessness. The deeper the emotion, the more powerful the release is.

I have a very real sense of the “otherness” of my existence. This is part of the deal with Christianity. We were not made for this world, but for another. This world got screwed up, in it we will never be fully satisfied. I try to reconcile this feeling by clinging to things of the past, remembering the sadness of times now gone. More than that, I sometimes try to live in the emotions of times past. Its as if, in my discontent with my current state, I act as if the present reality is not so real as the “other” reality that I sense so strongly. This causes me to feel insane.

Pretending to accept the present while secretly living in the “otherness” (is it the future or the past?). That is what madmen do. They keep their secrets to themselves. They hide the depth of their knowledge or pain or whatever behind a mask of shallow silence. I can talk about the weather. I can talk about yesterday. But what I really care about is a mystery to you. Hence the insane laughter. Everyone has been blessed with a slight measure of insanity, some are more blessed than others. None of us sees the full picture.

The nerve of faith seems precariously close to the nerve of insanity.

Having faith sometimes causes me to feel insane. However, I can remember the encounter I had with Christ. I pray that God will never let me forget it. I believe the Gospel story. I am about to go overseas in obedience to a God I firmly believe in. This faith was the foundational reason for my education. There is no turning back. My descent takes me higher.

-Dave

Two Emerging Perspectives

2004-12-10T13:25:00.000-07:00

Dave,

I must admit, after feeling the freedom of not "having" to be disciplined, or "do devotions", I am being drawn back to such things by purpose, not law. I loved your last posting, by the way!

My default mode of perceiving life has been through the lenses of a rationalist. My head is the CEO of my life, with veto power over other systems. But I'm starting to think a little differently now about how I process life- mainly in two ways.

1. Wholistic Reality. I'm starting to see the world as a giagantic system, spinning and swirling, living, reproducing, moving on its own, in some kind of chaotic pattern, held together and guided by the Word who created it. This is very different than starting with what I know, and developing other categories (or academic disciplines) through which I filter knowledge. Our education system tries to construct a neat framework of shelves, and then spends the rest of its existence putting everything on its proper shelf. We ingest information, run it through our intellectual digestive system, and use it appropriately. Anything that doesn't work with the system is quietly defocated in a closed room. Instead, wouldn't it be great to view the world as a huge reality, an open system where God and humans and animals and plants and inanimate objects all exist, and go about their business. Our focus shifts toward our being part of the universe rather than having to process and possess the universe.

This way of thinking would relieve the burdens of many. First, the rationalist wouldn't need to be so frustrated. Because nobody knows everything, so you might as well take that pressure off your scholarly back now. Be content to be a part... seeking and learning... inhaling and exhaling (so the plants can inhale your exhale)... working and making a living... living life to the fullest... enjoying relationships with other people (and God)... giving and taking in proper balance... setting other values higher than education, like honor, humility, compassion.

2. The other way I've been thinking beyond my rationalism (haha) is best described as the functionalist perspective. Instead of trying to make ultimate sense out of a situation, I've just looked at its function, and left the ultimate understanding to God. For example, I've been feeling lonely,doubting my life, and questioning if God has someone for me. So instead of assessing why I feel this way and trying to fix it, I forced myself to get involved with a group of people my age. Just hang out. Do. There is amazing redemption in doing. I know that I want the fruits of the spirit in my life, so why not do the things that help them grow? Another example is walking in the woods. I have a real internal drive to be alone in nature. And I've been asking myself why I have it. What am I really searching for in life that I think I'll find in the woods? What is my deeper longing? What is the true nature of nature, and why do I feel fulfilled there? How much time can I afford to be there, versus in society? But then today, I just took a walk in the woods and enjoyed it. Not trying to think why or when. It served an important function, quite apart from my thinking about why it did. I think the ultimate understanding can be left to God. I'll investigate, but not at the expense of letting real life ebb away in the process.

I'm thankful to be caught up in this reality, living in it, and thankful that we were born in the same generation, Dave.

-Jarod

The Man, the Beast, and the Spirit

2004-12-10T03:12:00.000-07:00

“No,” said the Man.
“Yes,” said the Beast.
“Wait,” said the Spirit.

“Impossible,” said the Man.
“Ridiculous,” said the Beast.
“Miraculous,” said the Spirit

“Live for duty!” said the Man
“Obey your feelings!” said the Beast
“Let love guide your actions…” said the Spirit

So I set out to live a life of love. But the three at work within me, the Man, the Beast, and the Spirit, all continue to fight for control over my life. The Man wishes to be a decent person, liked by people and able to make it through life. He is frail and the weakest of the three. He is indifferent. He has trouble seeing beyond the present. He is stable and wants to maintain harmony. As the Man takes control of my life I understand what it is to value family, to value hard work. The Man does have a conscious, but it is marred and full of inconsistency.
The Beast in me has power over the man, and may overtake him with ease. With emotions fully-charged, the Beast demands to be fed. Snarling and vicious, it has no mind for decency, and would kill that which threatens or irritates it. One thing is certain, it is out to satisfy its urges and will stop at nothing to see them through.
The Spirit is the very power of God at work within me. As I pray, the Spirit whispers His will into my life, but the softness of His voice yet overpowers the sound of any other competing for authority. The most powerful of the three, the Spirit teaches me how to love. He teaches me how to work the Man and control the Beast. The Spirit gives the Man vision and clarity of purpose. He harnesses the Beast and shows the Man how to use it for protection or, if needed, attack. In addition to teaching, the Spirit also restores that which the Beast maimed or the Man neglected. He shows me how to love Himself and others, selflessly and sincerely. As Fenelon said, love carried through time becomes devotion.

You know, Jarod, its funny. I struggle with devotion and dedication. I am becoming more and more convinced of the importance of setting aside time every day to call upon the Spirit. This may not be necessary for every believer, but I am finding that my spontaneity is no longer sufficient. I don’t think God appreciates it much either.
Making a new plan,
Dave

The Spirit of Jesus

2004-11-10T11:33:00.000-07:00

Dave,

I never claim to have it all together. I never claim to hit the bullseye. That's the beauty of this journey, this project... life in general, actually. I do pledge to share my feelings and current status with you, as a good friend, in hopes that as we trudge or skip along the path together, we'll end up going the right direction, by God's grace.
I was on my way back from Colorado two days ago, and I had a personal enlightenment. I realized that I've been fighting the system so hard, I've been swimming upstream culturally so much... I've been trying so hard to forge my life out to be the "model disciple" that I thought Christ wanted me to be... that I've been screwing myself. I'm such an extremist, Dave. I took what the Bible said pretty much to heart. "Sell your possessions and give to the poor... take up your cross... be poor (in spirit)... "
I realized a few things though. For one, I don't want to be just like Jesus. Jesus was homeless. Jesus was poor and dependent on others for much of his livelihood. Jesus was SINGLE. Jesus didn't seem to emphasize his blood-family that much (I mean really, if you read the gospels, or Pauline writings, that's not really an emphasis... it's almost poised in a negative light.)
Jesus wandered all over the earth his whole life. Jesus made a lot of enemies. Jesus, at the end of his life, was alone, abandoned by his closest friends. Jesus was murdered at age 33.
These are not characteristics I strive for. Honestly, I'd rather have a family. I'd rather have a house in which to keep my family. I'd rather have a few faithful friends. I'd rather have an income by which to support my family. I'd rather live to be old, and die in peace. Those are more my goals. Yes, I would sacrifice all those things for God if I needed to, but that's not my goal in life, nor my desires. I don't think it's who God made me to be either.
I think that instead of living like Jesus did literally, I need to embody the same spirit that he had. And that can be done in Ohio, in 2004, in the context of a family.
Wow, that's a burden released. In some senses, I'm "casting my lot in with humanity." I feel like I'm coming off of a cloud I've been riding for my whole life. I'm being real. Normal. Relaxing. I'm not so afraid of screwing up, sinning, drinking, having sex, swearing, ... as though these things are going to send me directly to hell without a "Get out of hell free" card. (Don't read too much into that last statement... I just mean that I've no longer made these things a proverbial god-icon by being afraid of them.)
It's humorous. All this time I tried so hard to follow Christ--- be Christ, in some senses. But sometimes I think some of the "unchurched" people, the ones who believe in God but aren't all that educated, have done a better job than me. They are not so obsessed with the rules, with doing everything right. With being the Savior, Jesus Christ.
I'm okay with being myself, I guess.

-Jarod Scott Osborne

Emotional God

2004-11-08T18:15:00.000-07:00

Jarod,
I agree with you, balance is the key to maintaining a healthy existence. Achieving balance is a delicate task, especially since you and I both like extremes from time to time!
Your e-mail brought to mind how the Church often tries to identify Herself as a balancing agent of morals within culture, taking extreme positions away from pleasures that could lead to sin. I believe that personally modeling a life of balance is more important than trying to tip the social moral scales, but I see the merit of the latter.

Lately I've been thinking about God's emotions, "How does God feel about me?" There are theological answers to that question - God so loved the world...(God is) slow to anger, abounding in love - I know that God loves me, but I am wondering if there are more layers.

I know that God can love me and be angry with me. God loves the masses of people that reject Him and His love, but I also believe He is angry with them and punishes them.

Along the same lines, I think God can love me without trusting me. If I break God's trust, I have to earn it back again - by proving it good. Of course one can never truly "earn" God's trust, but I believe He means for us to try. Men are given talents and are told to be faithful with those gifts. I get the feeling that there can be sore spots between God and I when thinking about certain, recurring disobedience in a particular area.

God can love me and not feel like communicating with me. Sometimes in order to strengthen a friendship, there needs to be a level of distance. This helps keep the relationship healthy and growing. I have an easy time believing that God can love me and keep me at a distance, because I do that so often to others. He may choose to communicate strongly with other people in my life, but leave me out for a while. Of course I know that in the end we will be reconciled.

God can love me and also like me. I like to think that I can make God laugh. I like to think that I can make God proud. To please the King, and also be noticed by Him, is a thrilling thought. God is a being who experiences emotions, when I remember that I sometimes look up and wonder what He is feeling right now.

See you in a few days,
Dave

Balance

2004-10-02T19:14:00.000-06:00

Dave,
I appreciated what you had to say about Greed. I was convicted, and had to re-evaluate my intentions. We really do have to be transformed by making our minds "new" all of the time.

I think Christians should read up on Daoism (and I plan to read more...). We call and spell it "Taoism" in the west, thanks to some confusing translators named Wade and Gyles, but it's pronounced with a "D". And it has a lot to offer. It sings similar notes that the ancient Western philosophers once sung (Aristotle) about virtue being rooted in the avoidance of extremes. In short- BALANCE. Rarely is something itself wrong. It's the abuse, lack or excess of it that is wrong. Nearly everything fits into this category... alcohol, pleasure, eating, sex, rest, work, anger, money...

I wish our culture could learn balance. I wish I could learn it. If I could just be content with enough food, enough work, enough rest, enough free time, enough money...
But America tends to operate on a value system in overdrive. We strive for as much as possible, reaching full potential, being the best you can be, having the biggest-best-newest-fastest. This drive spurs us on toward achievement, but it knows no end. It never says "enough." It is like a metabolism that is so high it begins to eat away the body, until all that is left is a skeleton of what was once a healthy person. Instead of feeding the drive, they should have exchanged it for a better philosophy. Daoism has a few good ideas.

I'm not going to walk all the way up to my room and get the bible of Daoism, the "Dao de Jing" (written by Lao Tzu) to quote right now, but it oozes harmony, simplicity, peace. Be like water, because it takes the shape of its container. And its flexibility causes it to outlast everything. Which lasts longer, the hard teeth or the soft tongue?

Hot and cold are not opposing forces, working against each other. They are complentary parts of a whole system. They bring balance and harmony. Man and woman, light and dark, rest and activity, hard and soft... represented in the yin-yang... as necessary components of harmony. One is not seeking to conquer the other. We need balance, which brings harmony.
And how much our lives need balance. I think that balancing our lives is part of the key to serving God, and being good masters of our life He has given us. Dave, he's given us so much power... we're little gods modeling after the big God... and he wants us to live balanced lives. Not striving after an Ultimate in this world. For He alone is our Ultimate satisfaction, goal, realization, wisdom, peace. And we will never even attain that in this lifetime. But no- I think God wants us to live in balance, a life to the fullest, with peace and joy and love. These are the evidences of a life filled with the Spirit of the great God.

I wish you peace, and look forward to seeing you soon bro.
-Jarod

The Greed Conspiracy

2004-09-24T16:47:00.000-06:00

Let me tell you a little story…
At the beginning of this summer, I landed a job at Fedex. The job was only part time, although full time was offered to me after a while. I will tell you, this job hired anyone from any background. After meeting a few of my associate employee contemporaries, I realized that some of them had done jail time, many of them wanted to offer me marijuana, and all of them had to put a sizeable amount of energy into each workday. This job was straight up physical labor, some of the guys described it was a full time job crammed into part time hours (and pay).

The good thing about this job was that I could see the results. I could count how many trucks I unloaded, and watch the packages travel down the conveyor belts. Without us, the package handlers, Fedex would not exist.

Oh yeah, the pay rate for a full time Fedex employee who has been with the company for more than five years is definitely still at poverty level. The part timers received less than 10$ per hour.

The interesting part about this job was that it was dominated by men.

For now I am going to continue to believe that many of them are there because they choose to be there, not because they are stuck there.

After about a month of working my tail off (although I believe my body never looked better), I quit Fedex and began work through a temp agency. Those being hired had to pass certain tests to prove their communication skills and professional temperament. This new job was completely different. Instead of part time it was full time, and paid better than 10$ per hour. Here’s what I did:
Sit in front of a computer all day long and enter data into a computer while listening to music and talking with people. I got better pay for nearly mindless, motionless action whose only threat to me was dulling my intellect and breaking my will to dream.

The maddening thing about this job was that I could not see the results. I was putting information into a screen, helping organize and shuffle loads of information to its proper storage place.

The other interesting part about this job was that it was dominated by women.
These two experiences got me thinking about working, and employers. I began to become angry with invisible corporate leaders who were obviously keeping the wealth and keeping us little guys in our place. I wrestled and wrestled with this in my mind for several weeks (not very productive, honestly).

I looked around me and saw many different creative people who had a great work ethic, but who seemed to just barely get by. I thought about my own musical pursuit and how many walls were financial. I began to think about advertisements and how much money is used (wasted) trying to make all of us aware of the new flavor of Coke that is out.

I thought about the sports stars, movie stars, and corporate leaders who are worth millions. Half of the reason they are worth so much is because of their God-given gifts of physical or mental capabilities, something they did not work to acheive, but rather discovered. As I thought about the people around me, most of whom are able to make a pretty good living off of the lower-end jobs they have, I kept replaying the voices in my head saying, “I am poor, if only I could get a raise, or win the lottery, if only I had just a bit more money…”

Then I realized…this nation is plagued by a conspiracy of greed. Then I realized another chilling reality…I am in on it. Every time I attempt to place a monetary value on myself, I am guilty. Every time I stop the flow of money and attempt to build a small fortune, I am guilty. Every time I fail to give when I can (and sometime when I “can’t” afford it) I flirt with the conspiracy. Every time I spend a little extra something for entertainment on myself that I “earned” from my employer, I am threatening to live that lifestyle.

I’ll be honest, Jarod, every now and then I get this feeling that something huge needs to be done. But since I am no economist, I will end this letter at the point that I have already come to. I must rid myself of my own greed, and follow the Spirit’s leading on what I will do with what I’ve been given. This is where it starts…
Until next time,
Dave

Singleness

2004-09-09T14:02:00.000-06:00

Jarod,

This e-mail may not have a lot of heart, but my mind is racing, plagued by these questions…

But first, I must say that I understand your dilemma and fear of committing to something that will cause you to put to death a part of yourself. Some laugh and assure me, “you are far too dramatic about the whole thing. Just make a decision and go with it.” But I look around and see examples where the wrong decision made for much life constriction, sometimes ending in very painful consequences. This is always a possibility. That is why I am trying harder and harder to trust in God’s timing. I am trying to believe that when the right time comes…I’ll take the opportunity. For now, it’s no crime to be single. Although sometimes I feel the pressure of those who have good intentions to “stop being so picky and make a decision.”

Earlier this summer I was in a small town church to visit with old friends and play music. I remember looking around and seeing all the couples. Young dating couples. Young married couples. Older married couples. Cute, elderly couples. And then there were the children and youth group. I began to understand why single Christians have a hard time going to church. It is easy for them to feel like they failed to take the next maturity step after leaving youth group. But as I drove back home to the heart of Columbus, Ohio, I felt more normal. Singleness seemed more commonly practiced and readily accepted in the city. Marriage (at an earlier age, maybe 22) seemed like a phenomenon in suburban and rural areas. There have been times in my life when a solid group of friends was just as emotionally and spiritually satisfying than any dating relationship I have had.

Rich Mullins once spoke about Sex and Self-Confidence. He talked about how we so often try to find our self worth in relation to our sexual life, and the elusive nature of this pursuit. From his perspective as a single man, he did not have the opportunity to even attempt to find his self worth through sex. I do not doubt that it was this loss that gave him even more opportunity to draw close to the heart of God. I wonder about celibacy, and how little Protestants seem to value it. We are quick to answer the Catholic priests, “Don’t incorporate works into our faith. We live by faith alone and are free to enjoy the pleasures God offers us.” I wonder how many Protestants would praise one of their own if he/she decided to remain celibate for spiritual purposes. I honestly don’t know. I don’t even know if they should.

Do I sometimes long to be in a relationship? Most definitely. I suppose that as I wait for God’s timing I must carefully prepare myself to be ready when/if the time comes. However, I want to be willing to accept and even embrace my singleness for the time being. If it is true that God meant for some of us to remain single, and if it so happens that God pushes me in that direction, I want to be ready to accept it without bitterness of heart, but with gladness and freedom of spirit.

Hmmm...somehow I didn't even touch the topic that I set out to write about. I'll save it for next time...

Truly,
Dave

Commitment

2004-09-05T22:23:00.000-06:00

Dave,

I know it's always a dangerous thing to write when you're emotional... because in some senses you make the feeling immortal. But I've also learned enough about myself to realize that I'm going to do it anyways, that when something is going on in my heart, I'll talk about it a lot.

Commitment, Dave, it's all about commitment. You can't really do anything worthwhile without it. But I squirm, man, I squirm when I feel it coming close. I'm practicing the idea of commitment in Tae Kwon Do right now. I've committed to fight at Nationals, which means an average of 2 work-outs every day. Getting beat up a few times. Waking up to my alarm at 5:15 every weekday morning to go workout. It's hard. Testing my patience and my commitment. But I think I'm learning to just keep going. I often tell myself "You don't have to like it. You just have to do it. (And since you're doing it, you might as well give it all you've got.)"

And the even bigger topic..... girls! I'm exaggerating here, but I have this vision in my mind of hooking up with a girl, committing, if you will, and then being taken from the wilderness, being clean shaven, take away my survival knife and lock it in a drawer in the basement, buy us a house, bury me in the mortgage, put my life on a hampster wheel where I get up and go to work every freakin morning for the rest of my life, come home to dirty diapers and have to help wash the dishes after dinner. I look outside the kitchen window when I'm doing the dishes and see the sunset. I remember when I once saw the sunset over the South China Sea, or when I saw the sunset from my debris hut I made in the forest. Then I go sit on the porch and brood, and become the guy in Drury's poem.

I know that sentiment is not right, and it's not even entirely how I feel, but it does help illustrate some of my fears. I think my fears are wrong, Dave. I once wrote, "Love is the warrior's final frontier." Do I have what it takes to fight that kind of battle? To fight for a girl? Fight for my true heart amidst the reality of responsibility? Can I fight to have a pertpetually soft heart and a free spirit? Can I win?
I don't know a whole lot right now, Dave. I'm fighting with myself more than anything. Everybody around me is telling me to relax. I know I need to. Or I might call it "trust." God knows me so well. I have yet to know myself so well. It is my prayer that he will whisper to me which way to walk.

Walking, relaxing,
Jarod

Sorrow as a Companion

2004-08-29T19:06:00.000-06:00

FROM JAROD:

"We must learn to walk with sorrow as a companion. Maybe never a friend, but a companion."
So said Dr. Steve Horst upon our graduation, Dave.

Today I am walking with my old familiar companion Sorrow. My recent experiences have transformed me, and taught me a few lessons.

We can never put our finger on God, get a grip on Him, peg Him, define or explain Him. He is the great mysterious wind that carries us where He pleases. He is the water that slips through tight grips. He is a master writer, laying wondrous plots for our lives. To this God I lower my head and whisper.... alleluia.

God is a Father who loves his children. I've worked with lots of children this summer, and loved them so much that I wept when they left. I touch the fringes of God's love for me in such things. He does not want me to be a busy little bee, buzzing around the whole world pollinating the Christian religion. I think that he is quite cramped and frustrated when we approach relationships with an evangelizing agenda. This time it was different. I said, "I come to you with empty hands. I will only love you for who you are." And I did. And God brought redemption to us.

Dave, here are a few things I believe, either for the first time or with new conviction:
-A person can plan his own path, but the Lord determines his steps.
-We must follow our heart...it will lead us to freedom...and God is leading it if we let him.
-Pain is part of the price. True relationships marry love and pain. It is worth it, though it hurts. Heartache reminds us that we can possess nothing in this life, but yet have everything with joy. Our deepest self longs for a deeper reality, where the record will be set straight and we can find true rest for our spirits. We live with that day in mind, yet walk through the now.

Here's a little battle cry that I've been living by since Jr. High....
"We boldly charge forth into each new day, not knowing if it will be our last, or merely our greatest!"

Feeling the Power of Good

2004-08-29T19:04:00.000-06:00

Jarod,

Once again I am reminded of the power of Good. At times it seems to sneak up on you. Its' subtle power introdueces itself like a whisper in the wind. In two seconds an arm may be broken, but it takes two months of care for it to be restored. In several hours a twisted soul may be born into this world, but the straightening of his nature takes nearly a lifetime. What is quickly destroyed by our immoral actions must take time to heal by the power of good. This causes me to respect its power, and its lengthy process. The power of Good was involves pain, often a consistent, underlying pain that softly keeps us moving. For whatever reason, it is healing and goodness that become overwhelmingly stronger in their constant movement forward. They are unstoppable, and they evidence God's care over his creation.

Good is a word of confession spoken to one you have injured.
Good is the sharp voice of correction to a soul going astray.
Good is the voluntary broken heart, whose prayers call God to action.
Good is the friend who continues to stand by his brother, for that alone may be the way through which God heals a broken soul.

The destruction that comes quickly tears at our tenderness. So I suppose that healing and tenderness must go hand in hand. For sometimes God sees fit not to protect us from that which will tear us. Instead He would have us experience the subtle, healing power of Good.

Again I am fascinated by its quiet nature. I picture crops growing. It is so slow that the human eye cannot even perceive their growth. In all of it I find the virture: patience. Yes, God has been teaching me about patience this summer as I float almost directionlessly from one vision to the next. When will His call be more clear? When will He act in a way that lets me know I'm still part of His plan? When will I grow past this state of immaturity that I have lingered in for too long and be empowered for His greater purpose?

I know that in time these questions will find their resolution. My fascination with time is also my frustration.
Anxiously waiting,
Dave

The Disciple, Digesting God

2004-07-23T23:28:00.000-06:00

Dave,

First, it gives me comfort to know that I'm not alone in my heavy doubting tendencies. I also think that it is not a negative thing, if handled correctly. I have several topics I want to respond to, so I'll do it systematically.

1. The Disciple: a perpetual learner. Somewhere along the line I feel like many of us have come to believe we've arrived. From an intellectual spiritual perspective, I ask many more questions than I can provide answers. I want to learn more than I want to teach. I quite often "walk" out my faith in fear and trembling rather than confidence and boldness. This is a funny contradiction that the Bible proposes. We have already found Christ, yet always seeking him. I'm "supposed to" tell others of the Christ who has changed my life. But how has He changed my life? I mean, really, my answers, not what I've been taught at youth group. I have gone more to telling people what I believe. I'm not totally comfortable with that either, because I feel like there should be more relationship to this relationship with Christ. But my point is, I approach evangelism very humbly. I do not know all the answers and it's not my job to just go up and tell people them anyway. Seekers. Journeymen. That's my modality at present. I still believe Christ is the ultimate. But do I know him ultimately? No way.

2. Digesting God. This thought was sparked by an essay written by Mandy Drury. To make a sacramental analogy, we do too much communion and not enough baptism. What I mean is, often our perceptions of knowing God and having relationship with Him revolve around Him coming into the individual. (Communion. Breaking God up into pieces, and everybody gets some.) Which is true. God is immanent, very close to each of us. Into us. We digest Him into our very being. But we only have a limited holding tank for God. If we limit Him to digestion, we will give up on him when we can no longer fit the pieces together mentally, when He disappoints our expectations. When our central interpretive structures shift. God is defocated. However, in Baptism (immursion anyway,), we are enveloped into God's transcendent unified being. We become part of him. And when we swim in that sea, there are always new depths to explore.

Honestly Dave, (I'm dropping the systematic approach now...) I feel pretty alone right now. Few people seem to understand my doubts of questions. Missing regular Christian fellowship. God seems really ambiguous. If I wanted, I could easily convince myself that it's all a projection of human hopes. A tool to keep the masses in line. But I refuse to let God die out of my heart. I'm waiting for Him. I don't really know what the next step is. But I know I'm not the Christian I want to be. And I don't think that the image I see many other "spiritual leaders" portraying is what I want to be either.

Transition is my middle name.
Until next time,Jarod Transition Osborne

Doubt and faith

2004-07-11T17:23:00.000-06:00

Jarod,
You have created such an accurate picture of the struggle I am going through as well. Especially the absence of spiritual and intellectual Christian mentors. When I read history books, the Christian faith is depicted as much more about political gain than it is concerned with Truth. Then there are times of doubt. So often the Christian institution seems to offer but a periphery of the supernatural, not the core. I was talking with a friend last weekend, and we began to discuss the issue of doubt. As merely an observation, it seems that some Christians struggle with doubt quite heavily. They still serve God, but they question, sometimes even dangerously, claims of the faith. They know that these questions could cause them to leave the faith (and I know of a few who have), but they feel they must be honest in wrestling with the doubt. Here is the dilemma: doubt is seen as a weakness, and is contrary to faith. A person might interpret the doubt as a threat to spiritual health, when in my own life it serves to strengthen it. If one person is unable to understand how doubt strengthens the faith, then perhaps its better not to discuss it with that believer.
But maybe the doubt is a weakness. It actually affects how I share my faith with others. Instead of joyously proclaiming that Christ has changed my life, I stay very reserved. I like to open conversations about God as a series of questions, questions that I am still searching the answers to. I can remember a pastor actually scolding me for not displaying the joy of the Lord in my conversation with a non-believer. It was strange. I’d rather talk about my faith as though I was just on the verge of it all over again, even though I have experienced so much of the depth of God. Part of me doubts that God is in the business of miraculously changing people’s hearts that have been turned from Him for so long. If someone has naturally chosen a life of wickedness, I almost expect the person to continue on in that lifestyle until death. I don’t trust people who convert in their thirties and are very young Christians. I don’t trust that they will stay with the faith and grow in it. I get very nervous when I think about a young adult believer’s ability to handle the doubts that I still wrestle with as one who has been a Christian for many years. I suppose this e-mail is all over the place, and is more about developing a philosophy of evangelism.
I am finding that the isolated American male syndrome is the starting ground for disaster. There is no accountability in it, no joy of fellowship. Living the post-college, bachelor life, I have wondered what it would be like to live for sexual adventures. An empty pleasure, no doubt. What sort of reckless behavior comes from isolation and idleness? This is the life of many an American male. They have so much extra time, and so much extra cash. Economically successful, morally irresponsible.
If Christianity is true, then my life should be changed. Inwardly and outwardly. And now that I am here in this place I believe in spiritual warfare more than ever. I must be on my knees in prayer, waiting to hear the next command and pledging my loyalty to Christ.
Keepin’ it real,
Dave

I am...

2004-07-11T17:22:00.000-06:00

Dave,
I wear mid-length white socks, pulled up to my legs. The kind that went out of style years ago. I work at a youth camp, and I recently let the kids shave my head. It was in the newspaper. Hero of the hour. I taught Tae Kwon Do to at risk kids this past week. I'm exhausted. I feel as though I had little lasting impact in their lives, but I would do it all over again. Tonight I ate my dinner sitting on the trunk of my car in the library parking lot. Very distinct from the business men and women walking out of their offices, loosening their ties, ready for a long Independence Day weekend. And my thoughts trail off to prevalent ignorance, how America blinds itself to its own injustices, and prides itself on what is mostly a patriotic illusion. Sentimental, then take a bullet. But not always.

Then I thought back to when I ran through open fields with my shirt off last week, pulling off wild berries and popping them in my mouth along the way, pissing in the woods, screaming at the top of the mountain. Then eating left-over Japanese food with two Bic-pen chopsticks. Life is good, huh bro. And the people stare, when I spit out my car window (spitting is not a sin, is it?). When I stretch my legs in public. When I sleep on the front porch nearly every night. I am strange. But I have learned not to take my emotion and use it to segregate myself from society, and be a self-proclaimed revolutionary. I'm a part of the group... but a strange part. I would have it no other way, but the moments of loneliness are more sharp, and they cut deeper. Oh... but to the people who stare and judge- I am the man who counsels your children, I am the man who preaches to your sons and daughters. I am the role model for the next generation, whether I want to be or not. And I want to be, because I want to be in the mix, making a difference, making a living by living my calling. So don't be too quick to judge. We know very little.

Loneliness. What does it mean to have a relationship with God? I feel like I'm holding out on some ancient legend. I am struggling through the loss of the presence of my spiritual and intellectual Christian mentors. Gone more to cultural Christianity around here. I don't like it. But what choice do I have? Life gets so busy Dave, and we watch the ship that is carrying our most precious cargo drift farther and farther away in the ocean. And we can't seem to bring it back. Well, I've added a new piece to my theology. It's called, "I am a piece of shit." Life has a great ability to get screwed up and off track. Especially adulthood, when we're busy. Screw that. I'm going to fight through it and keep believing in the things that are worth living for. And live for them. And trust hard that God brings redemption to broken people like me.

But I'm tired right now. Many hours of teaching Tae Kwon Do to unruly kids. And I'm really ticked at girls and sometimes God, but mostly girls. I have not figured out Love yet.

Life is change. My life is changing and I am too. I'm trying to relax and be flexible, put my faith in Jesus Christ in all things, despite my really really strong doubting nature. Shouldn't my doubts be more settled by now?

And I've found a great secret. Found it for myself, I mean. That I'm not going to find what I'm looking for. I can stop looking as if there's a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I've literally been there. No gold. So for now I'm okay with letting my heart have peace, in the midst of this journey. The land I walk is not my own homeland. It feels so foreign. So unfulfilling. The thing that is most consistent is the driving nag, the gaping abyss in my soul that never really quiets. The longing for God and the fulfillment of all things. That keeps me walking.

Until we meet again, farewell my fellow traveler.

Christ and the Wild Man

2004-07-11T17:21:00.002-06:00

Dave,
I'm salivating right now... so excited to dialogue with you about this one. You raised some great points and questions. I bolded them above.
Please don't think that my proposed answers (to follow) are encompassing or final. They are just my thoughts from where I sit now.
I think the Wild Man Jarod is a mixture of the same blood that flows through the total Jarod. It has the disposition toward vileness and the potential for greatness. Enter: CHRIST. Christiological heirarchy is the main issue to me. If a man, the whole man (including the Wild Man) has given his allegiance to Christ, then he is in proper alignment. He has a standard. A vision. This puts the Wild Man in his proper place. It allows him to be ferocious and free at many times when society would say "sit down." It allows him to screw the system when the system is wrong. He has a deeper confidence in his placement with his King. And I believe the King allows some wildness. I'm my most wild when I'm conversing (or battling) with my King. (Some call this prayer. My prayer has a combative sense to it sometimes :) It's often a struggle of wills. And I, in courage and with honor, sacrifice my will on the altar of obedience. Slit my own throat. that's gorey. That's manly. With purpose.
That's the kind of wild man I want to be. BY others, I want to be seen as someone who has a deep understanding in and with Christ. If that's true, everything else is secondary. (((I'm thinking our round-table conversation of "Honor" has something to do with this. Living for something huge and eternal. Having confidence to kill or die for it. Being strong, starting from inside...))). But I want to be seen by God as someone who is totally on His side. Otherwise I'm just throwing a temper tantrum.
We need to discover our "Wild Outlets." and use them. -without harming others.-
We need to find our core issues and settle them with Christ.
We need to then move forward in confidence.
I am recently dealing with this kind of stuff relating to girls...
But oh, let's save that for the next dinner....
Am I good enough?
It is the question that keeps many men from rising to be what they were intended to be. The answer can be paralyzing in its scope.

The Wild Man

2004-07-11T17:21:00.001-06:00

Jarod,

- OK so none of us wants to be castrated (whatever that means), by society, by a woman, or by the Church. There is something very attractive about maintaining the Wildman inside of the male, of keeping him around. The Wildman side is unpredictable, you never know what sort of reaction you will receive from him. There is a fresh honesty when a man acts out of his present state of emotion. The other day I was in a "flip off the world" type mood. Of course, I would never express that outwardly, but inside of my mind I was driving crazily down the bypass, cutting off slow drivers and raising heck. I wanted that side of me to come out. I've wanted the Wild Man in me to jump out and attack people when I sense they are being trite or stupid. I've imagined myself in many different situations where the more Wild Dave takes over and acts in a more "natural instinct". How do I harness that Wild Man energy and channel it for good purposes? Is this even possible? It could be that this energy only exists in the reserves of the evil Wild Man, and I either must use it the way it is or dispose of it properly. What does it mean that we are wild anyway? The man at Auto Zone represents a man who must wear a mask of pleasantness because the company told him to. In the end, he has decided to submit to the rules of the company. He does what he is told because he wants (needs?) to fit the system. Suppose he decided not to try to fit the system. Where would one draw the line? I don't think I would mind walking into an Auto Zone and having the guy greet me with a mumbled, "What the hell do you want?" But the Wildman is more than just a bad attitude. The real question is, how does a man follow the teachings of Christ, and still retain his wild side? I think the answer has to do with what you were saying about going against the system. Again, it is a search for identity. It is a desire not to bow to undeserved authority. The wildman usually considers himself to be the highest authority in his life, therefore HE is the decision-maker. He "breaks the rules" because they are not his rules in the first place. But again all of this sounds very negative...what does it look like to be fierce, yet meek? There is another deeper question that I am wrestling with, and it is this... I have seen the value in focusing on honesty of emotions. But when I express those angry feelings, it sometimes causes me to become even more angry. Is this me tapping into a deeper pool of previously untouched emotion, or is it snowballing within me as a result of relishing in my initial feeling? There is much more to discuss about the Wildman... -Dave

Fierce, or Nice?

2004-07-11T17:21:00.000-06:00

Dave,
This is a potentially dangerous e-mail because I may start venting. Take it as such...
First, I liked your thoughts on being a loner. I get the sense that we both are. Interestingly enough, I think a foundational shift happened for me yesterday. I was reading Matthew six last week, and it said something to the effect of "God knows what you need day to day and will take care of you as long as you make the Kingdom of God your primary concern." This struck me for the first time that this means PEOPLE. It's all about people. We love God mostly by showing love to people. This is our primary concern. I think this is working its magic to make me less of a loner, as I realize my mission is about building up people. That's the stuff the "Kingdom" of God is made of. Human flesh and souls. So I think I made a shift in thinking. From now on the default will be to be with people, to do activities and outings with people, to involve people where I would normally go it alone. And then solitude is going to be used more intentionally for the times of personal renewal. (But not for a default escape mode.)
Okay, now for the venting... I realized yesterday that there is a very non-conformist streak in me. I was reading a book about classroom education theories and teaching. And it hit me. Something in me really loathes the system. I'm not totally sure what that means. But here are some feelings to illustrate:
- I was in an AUTO ZONE buying a car part a couple months ago, and there was this 50 something guy working, dressed in his nice, collared, conformist company t-shirt. And he was having a bad day. His attitude was poor and he was under a lot of stress. You could tell he was kind of a handy-man, gruff kind of guy. Yet, when I needed something, he put on his happy company face (or pretended to) and said all the right things and got me my part, and said have a nice day, and I left feeling bad for him. I felt like Auto Zone was nutering him.

- Is it the goal of mankind to be dressed in a suit and tie, learn to play the "service industry" game, go to the latest seminars, and be perpetually NICE? I am beginning to hate NICE. Nice, nice nicenicenice. I naturally want to buck that system. (and I don't know why. Is that bad???)

- Higher education. It's great, don't get me wrong. But something in me gets a little ticked when there is an IDIOT"S GUIDE instruction book to every thing in the world. This is probably just me, a personal problem. But I get mad when I see everything in the world formulized, structured, exhausted and teased out to the finest details and then commercialized. Example: hunting. Great activity. But you can learn every detail about it from a book in your living room. And there are "experts" on it who say what is the right way and what's not. More Examples: Backpacking, teaching, communicating, praying, walking, breathing.... is there any mystery left to anything in life? Is there any need for PEOPLE to interact with one another? IS there any value in the old man, the sage, who knows something special? Or can we all just take a class or go on the internet and find every fragmented aspect of the Universe explained in a ten step process. ??
- For all the good that has come from the things I'm railing on right now, I still find an innate irksomeness in me toward this.... I'm not yet sure what it is or how to define it. This e-mail has been a personal stream of consciousness as I search for answers....
To close, John Eldrige in Wild at Heart asks the question, "Would you rather be fierce, or nice?" As for me, the answer is FIERCE. I think God would choose the same.

The Loner

2004-07-11T17:20:00.000-06:00

FROM DAVE:
The Loner

I want to comment on how suprisingly easy it is for some males to completely withdraw from others
and be satisfied living in their own world. While so many times women fight to have affection shown
toward them, men will withdraw and deny the need for affection.
The last thing I want to do is burden others with the duty to fulfill some emotional need (one that I
probably do not have anyway), so I will retreat to prove to others and myself that I can live in isolation.
I do not want to be like the many others out there who have drained me, so I retreat.
The loner pulls away from the world not only to prove self-sufficiency, but also to observe his surroundings.
There is a sort of safety in removing oneself mentally, for if we create a new, reformed circumstance in our
minds then we can "baptize" reality with
our imagination. But those who observe are not always welcome. The group notices when one is present
but not involved. The one throws a sort of self-consciousness onto the entire group. Perhaps this is due
to the loner's self-conceit, for why else would he think he can make reality better? No, the loner must not
become so serious about the
world in his mind that he would actually rather dwell there than in reality. But the danger is when he
becomes more enthralled in the world that could be than in the world that already is, thus isolating himself
from all others.
But what is the loner to do with his unsatisfaction? How can he take what so often is perceived as
negative and make it good? Can he truly make his world better by removing and searching for a clearer
picture of what the world should be like? The loner must develop the skill of engaging with the world
in order to present his observations and hope that there is some value in his already natural tendency.

Living Well

2004-07-11T17:19:00.000-06:00

FROM JAROD:
Instead of writing today, I want to paint. I think I'm going to paint a picture of the man I want to be.....

Someday I want to be a man who knows his own name. Not the name my parents gave me, but the name my Father in heaven gave me. My destined personhood, my true self. The only name that I really am. The name that will forever mark the pages of the Book of Life, the name that God has written on the palm of his hand. I want to understand that name, to live that name, to bear that name with the honor it deserves.
I want to be a man who believes. I don't need to be perfect, I don't want to be nice. I just want to believe. I want to see the vision of the "for-all-times-and-all-peoples..." I want to believe in where I am traveling. And believe to the point of death and a fully devoted life in whom I am traveling for, to and with. I want to believe that the war we spoke of is going to be won by the good guys. I want to believe that I am a dangerous warrior on that winning side.
I want to be a man who loves fiercely. I want people to blush with insecurity when I look into their eyes, because they know I am also looking into their souls. And then I want to show them unusual love. Love that does not play by the social rules and damnable falsities of the world. I want to love my wife like ..... (actually, I better not describe this one in public....:) I want to practice a true carefulness toward others, and not a preoccupation with my own states.
I want to be a man who dies well because he knows that he has lived well and will live well again.

Marriage and sex

2004-02-11T17:18:00.000-07:00

FROM JAROD:
You’re right. We can’t dwell in Melancholy for too long… so let’s move on. How about we talk about sex. I think this would be an appropriate topic for “The Guy Project.” Remember, the only rules for this discussion are honesty, frankness and love. (Those are my rules anyway… I just made them up.) That is just to say that no censoring will be done to this original text.
During the recent men’s retreat, the speaker took us down helpful paths of dealing with lustful thoughts. I especially liked the idea of projection of sexual thoughts into marriage. I feel that this would be a positive option for me. “Would” is the key word. I’m not with anyone right now, so I can’t rightfully project anyone into marriage, without choosing whatever random girl attracts me for the moment. Thus, a large part of me is impractical. By this I mean two things:
1. I am a sexual being. Among all the things God has created me to be, (a spiritual being, an intellectual person, an athlete) I am a sexual creature. A significant part of who I am was made for sex.
2. That part of me is impractical. It has no practice right now. It’s not getting any action- not currently fulfilling its purpose. Is it simply that I’m not mature enough? I don’t think so. Men are very aware that their peak years are during college. And these golden years are drifting by….
But that’s fine. I probably could have been married by now if I wanted. Our culture pushes this kind of thing back more and more. (The only exception is, many of those who don’t follow Christ just have sex anyway, so marriage is not crucial.) I’m willing to wait, to live a full life even though I’m not acting in the fullness of who I could be if this Sexual Jarod was allowed to participate in my life. Call it my commitment to myself, my wife, my God.
So what do I say to myself and guys in my state? “Sex…..yeah right….. in your dreams.” Literally. Enjoy them. They’re the only action you’re going to get for now.
Don’t destroy the sexual you. Just bring it into obedience with where the rest of you is going. Some day your sexual you will have his way, and what a day, glorious day, that will be.

Melancholia

2004-02-11T17:17:00.000-07:00

FROM DAVID:
I agree with professor Horst also on his point that personalities like ours tend
to want to take the grief of the world upon our own shoulders. Part of it stems from my
belief that I can handle it, a sort of "bring it on" mentality. I want to know at what
point I will break from the deep sorrow, so I continue to test myself. But that is not
the reason entirely. I also observe the way others deal with pain - downplaying its
existence, hiding it, and even denying it. Yet it seems that so few people
actually let the pain run its course through their lives, enduring it courageously.

On the other hand, my tendency is to linger in the pain a little too long. I
try to make the most of this weakness, though. Some of my times of greatest strength
happen after I have dwelt in the pool of sadness and let it drive me to some action of
reaching out to another. And I know the motive is pure. Going back to this pool
reminds me that I have nothing to gain by my actions, my life fades from me.
But drinking from it refreshes me, because it destroys in me any comfort I once
tried to take in anything other than the Creator. When I let its cleansing run through
my life, I feel empowered to serve others with pure intent.
Again, it is important that I do not drink too heavily from it (lingering in
self-pity, assuming a negative outlook), instead protecting myself from its ill-use.

Man in the Moon

2004-01-11T17:16:00.000-07:00

FROM JAROD:
I agree with you, gender does somewhat shape how one view’s God’s will. I would also throw in the elements of personality and religious tradition. My personality and views tend to be more like yours…. I have a great deal of freedom. Yet, in practice, I often find myself (especially in a tough decision) seeking His specific will more candidly. I find the interplay of destiny, choice and prayer an interesting mystery. I believe in all the components I have just mentioned, but am unsure of how they work. I still think God’s will is best seen through hind sight.
And now, if I may…. Onto a new topic I’m entitling “The Moon in the Man.” I find that there are a few guys (usually strange ones, like myself, and maybe you, I think) who tend to be pensive, melancholy- the kind of guy that can stare at the lonely face in a full moon and feel strangely comforted by its sorrow. This kind of “black bile” (the philosopher’s plague) swirls in my heart from time to time. And I don’t think it’s bad.
How does this moon characteristic manifest itself? Maybe writing songs in minor keys. Maybe poetry. Maybe painting. Perhaps in watching thoughtful movies or listening to reflective music. Maybe in walking alone (Lamentations 3:27-29). Dr. Horst spoke of this very eloquently yesterday. He is also one who deeply feels the agonies of the world. Perhaps there are women who have this bent too, but I find it more stereotypical in guys.
So, what to make of this moon in the man? First, we relate to God differently because of it. All is not joy. There is sorrow….profound sorrow. And it is not (should not be) easily glazed over with religious optimism. Do not mistake my intent here, because I believe strongly in hope and a redemptive joy that permeates the Christian life. But behind the singing is a whisper of weeping.
Girls may never understand this. For it is true that I can grieve and still love God. I can bout with the tragedies that be, and still be a victorious disciple. Maybe this is where girls (or one special one) comes in handy….to keep guys like me from falling off the deep end and drowning in my sorrow (except I still haven’t found that one yet.)
To close, I want to spit out some random lines from various Rich Mullins songs:
“If I stand, let me stand on the promise that you will pull me through.
And if I can’t, let me fall on the grace that first brought me to you.
If I sing, let me sing for the joy that has bore in me these songs.
And if I weep, let it be as a man who is longing for his home.”

”Nobody tells you, when you get born here, how much you’ll come to love it- and how you’ll never belong here… so I’ll sing my song, in the land of my sojourn.”

”Joy and sorrow are this ocean, with its every ebb and flow. Now the Lord a door has opened, that all hell could never close. Here we’re tested and made worthy. Tossed about and lifted up- in this reckless, raging fury that they call the love of God.”
“Did You ever know loneliness? Did You ever know need? Do You remember just how long a night can get? When You were barely holding on and Your friends fall asleep
And don't see the blood that's running in Your sweat. Will those who mourn be left uncomforted? While You're up there just playing hard to get?”

”It’s okay to be lonely as long as you’re free.”

God's will?

2004-01-11T17:15:00.000-07:00

FROM DAVE:
Ok, time for another round of thoughts...
Earlier this semester I sat down with a group of guys to discuss the idea of
what will God has for one's life, and how that plays out differently for guys than it does
for girls. I will take myself as the example and then let you decide whether this
is mostly true of guys or not. I generally don't find myself looking for God's will.
When I go to make decisions I sit down and think about what I want to do. I think
of God as a passive observer, a coach wanting me to do well, but ultimately wanting
me to find my own potential. He cares, I know He cares, but I wonder how much
He is in the business of making the decisions in my life. He presents me with several
options and then I choose one. Sometimes there are choices that are better than others,
but sometimes the choices are just different. It actually does not matter which I choose
because He can work with both paths. The reason I see this as more of a guy view is
because of the issue of control here. Guys like to have control, they like to have ownership
over something. We give our lives to God, and we desire to align our will with His will,
but we still want to be the ones making the decisions. And I don't think that is bad...
We see ourselves as mature enough to see the goal and find the path to get to
That destination...what do you think?

Action/Worship

2003-12-11T17:14:00.000-07:00

Dave,
Yes, you did it. You stoked the fire to a flame with this discussion, man. From now on I'm going to record and save it.
I resonate strongly with your thoughts. Here are mine...
Worship songs do not equal worship. They can sometimes be a vehicle, but they're not the only one, and don't even have to be one all the time. I often feel like saying, "enough talk already, go do it." Perhaps we, like young soldiers, are still at base training right now before we get to fight the war. If so, then I'll try to prepare adequately. But the vision is bigger than the climax of a worship song (yes, I was vaguely making reference to old talks of bridal mysticism and "worship as sex with God" trends that are floating around our culture. :)
Action. Purpose. Mission. These are things I desperately need right now. I am waiting for the dream, the battle commands. And they have to make sense with my life. How do my daily workings accomplish His Kingdom's purposes? Is there an actual battle to fight in life, or is it just a taunting analogy? I feel much closer to reality when I'm weilding my sword than when I'm sitting in chapel. I was created to be a warrior. In some sense, most (or all) guys were, before they gave up that terminology as ungodly. In life there is no lack of risk. We can lose much and hurt much. And that is often beyond our control. But what good can I accomplish? This is my question (and I have thoughts on the answers, but I don't believe them enough to write them right now.)
Oh, and one more thing. The Church is relevant. It must be! Maybe church services feel lame, but even those must carry power. God is not dull, nor is He weak. We should never meet with Him and leave unchanged. (....though I often do. As much as I believe what I just wrote, I found myself wrestling with God and my own mind during a worship service all last night.) I think that if we find the church irrelevant, we must make it relevant. For it is us and we are it.

November 14, 2003.
-Jarod
P.S. I've wrestled hard and failed much this week. For as great as I see my calling to be, I feel that much more unable to become great.

1st

2003-11-11T17:10:00.000-07:00

DAVE:

Guys want action. We want to see a difference. We will sing and pray and participate in communion with God,
but sometimes it feels like its not enough. We are missing an aspect that is vital to our spiritual lives, and that is
the tangible evidence of the heartfelt commitment. I do not think that this applies only to guys, girls know this and
experience it equally. But I am speaking from a male point of view. The guy knows his inadequacy to reach out
to another person, heck most of his time is spent protecting himself from letting his emotions out. We feel the
emptiness of our words when we promise to God that “all this is for You, and the glory of Your name.” We desire
greatly to integrate our faith into our work, but often times we feel like the it’s the pastors and the women who are
receiving God’s blessing. They are the one’s directly involved in God’s work, in the work of spreading the Gospel.

We greatly fear the lack of reverence for God in worship services of our day. Because we recognize our inadequacies
and feebleness before our Master we long for a tangible way of expressing our reverence, and songs seem cheap.
Songs about how much I love Him seem cheap and out of place. I relate with Him like that every once in a while, but
often I relate more through fulfilling the potential He has called me to. I relate by following His lead in my life. I do not
disagree with the songs that are sung, I merely see them as unnecessary and worn out. But then again that is my
fault, because He has convicted me to do something about my faith. And yet I don’t have time to do what the
ministers are doing. I don’t have the energy. The cycle is complete. So I bow out. Church services are irrelevant
to me. Hear me right, I am seeking God’s face, but I can no longer pretend that the worship service is doing for me
something that it actually is not doing. I will not lie. I will participate in a rite, a ritual that reveres and lifts us God as
my Sovereign. But keep me far from Him, Whose dangerous ways I fear. Or let me get caught up in His
recklessness to the point where my life and His are intertwined in service and in purpose. And let me do what He
made for me to do. It may not look like what you are used to, but I cannot lie about who I am.

-Dave